Journals of a Transient Insect

A pair of poems (new).

2011-04-08T19:58:00.003-04:00

i think i'd like to check myself out from the library
'cause i never return my books.
so, if i have a barcode and a beep and a due date,
i can return myself whenever i want, and
i can renew myself infinitely,
and if someone else wants to get a hold of me,
they can just recall me online, and poof,
i'll be delivered to their door,
or held at the circulation desk of their choosing.

but if i don't turn myself back in when
someone else recalls me,
i'll have to pay a fine--the cost of replacement.
and then where would i be?
i'd have to figure out
how much money i'm worth
to someone else
for the purpose of
redistributing the knowledge
i have to offer
forever,
or until my pages fall out and
my spine is broken
and i can't (be) rebound anymore.

and how much money could that possibly be?
more than i can afford, i'm sure.
and if i could afford to replace myself,
i could by a me of my own,
and i wouldn't need to check myself out from the library at all.
but i might want to anyway.

and, plus, at the library, they have perfect temperature control,
to keep mold from growing inside me
(i'm allergic to mold),
and if there's a new edition of me, they can replace the circulating me
with a fresh new introduction and cover,
at no cost to the me who borrows.

-+-

what if i'm a serial, with new issues every season,
and the skin i shed isn't dead at all,
but crumpled-up content for the cover art?
can i read my back issues? does Ulrich's index me?
i hope i show progression of thought.
and that i have good underwriting.
and cpoy-editng.

While sitting in the newly renovated lobby of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library, eating a burrito

2011-03-10T13:02:00.002-05:00

I didn't invent love.
Thank god!

Actually, I take it back.

2009-07-07T18:12:00.004-04:00

This blog has become obsolete! It used to serve the purpose of telling my friends and family what was going on in my life, but that's so Web 1.5. In the world of 2.0, you know what I'm doing based on what I say on facebook, and what's going on with me via the analog world, or email at best.

But I still keep thinking about things and wanting to share them, and these things will now all be located at my other blog, which is here. There's an RSS feed over there, too, if you're interested in that sort of thing.

Now, originally, the purpose of creating that blog separately was to make a division between my personal and professional topics for blogversation. But, as I said above, the personal stuff is more appropriately located either in intimate conversations, and the "oddity"-type posts are much more efficiently done as a link on facebook. So, the division that it makes more sense for me to create is one between my analog and digital worlds. It's a matter of critically understanding what I want to share with whom, when, and how fast.

For me, the lines between personal, professional, and political are pretty fuzzy, and what you'll see at the other blog is what falls in any of these categories, but particularly what arises from the intersections.

So, with this, I bid you adieu, and hope to hear from you offline soon.

P.S. Well, I might keep posting my own film reviews here.

Oh, gotta have a hook.

2009-07-07T17:47:00.004-04:00

To keep you reading. You may like to chew on this one:

"The narrative has been used to resolve the tension, but the tension is still there."*

That is how denial works.

And then this one:

"The story of my life is not a story at all, but an active collection of elements drawn together thematically to serve a particular purpose."**

And this one:

"A collection is not a pile."***

*Scott Dennis gave me this bit yesterday in a phenomenal story about a fabulous professor with whom he took a class called "The European Novel" while working on his M.A. in English at Berkeley in 1985. The prof used it in a brilliant interpretation of the Beach Boys' "Fun, Fun, Fun". You have GOT to hear this story.

**me, just now

***me in SI 500 last fall.

Facts.

2009-07-07T17:43:00.003-04:00

Fact: I haven't posted in over a month.
Fact: I have been doing lots of things.
Fact: These things include writing, reflecting, cooking, planning, thinking, working, reading, driving, walking, biking, trying, sleeping, and probably not returning your phone call(s).
Fact: I'll post in more detail when there's something to report. Everything's incubating right now.
Fact: Oh, except Benjamin Atom! He's out and about now! And he's so freaking cute!

Jane Fonda on privilege

2009-05-27T13:27:00.002-04:00

"Why was it that I had not paid more attention and taken action sooner? It wasn't that I was lazy or lacked curiosity. I think it had to do with giving up comfort--and I don't mean material comfort. I mean the comfort that ignorance provides. Once you connect with the painful truth of something, you then own that pain and must take responsibility for it through action. Of course, there are people who see and then choose to turn away, but then one becomes an accomplice." (My Life So Far, p. 197)

Trans/librarian, Part I

2009-05-21T17:33:00.003-04:00

I was reading an article for the collection evaluation I'm doing as part of my internship this summer, and it gave me a lot of food for thought and helped me flesh out the points below, which have been nagging at me for some time. It's mostly just notes to myself to use in the future, but I thought you might find it interesting to read.

This is the article that I reference: Moss, Eleanor. (2008). An inductive evaluation of a public library GLBT collection. Collection Building, 24(4): 149-156.

At one point, the author is talking about ex-gay/anti-gay literature, she makes the point that based on the perspective of users their collection is targeted at ("community relevance"),

"As one of the leaders of Exodus Ministries, and a poster child of the Ex-Gay Movement, Paulk’s book is considered anti-gay, even psychologically and spiritually damaging, by most of the GLBT community. Using a definition of community relevance, one could even make the argument that Love Won Out is not a GLBT book."

Still, she kept the book in her sample, because a) it has the subject headings, and b) it's still in high demand at the library she studied, so it's relevant, if distasteful. I think that this "relevant, if distasteful" concept is going to be key for the work I do with the trans stuff in my internship, and I should expand on it in whatever write-up comes out of this research, since as a research institution, anything is valid fodder for study, especially (humanities) analysis. Ah, I see-- so the question arises of how to "keep" psych/social scientists/medical practitioners from using "bad"/non-trans-affirming materials to inform their new research/practice. It's an information literacy issue--being able to make an informed decision about what info is "good" for a particular purpose, and it's complicated by the fact that the balancing voices that would add depth to the pool are trans people's voices themselves, especially in the psych/ss/medical fields.

So non-trans researchers/practitioners in these fields look for information, find non-trans-affirming/trans-controlling stuff, and this becomes their basis for interacting with/caring for/working with trans people, and since they've read voices of authority that included zero-to-very-few trans authors, it reifies the notion that "non-trans must be better sources of information about trans people than trans people are themselves." Which is why I can't bring myself to be a "neutral" librarian about this issue, because this particular cycle of knowledge production, consumption, and use causes harm (to be clear: harm is certainly not the only produced effect, but it is significant). Still, the answer can't be through censorship, but rather through information literacy education (i.e., giving users context). But how to do that when researchers/practitioners in the psych/ss/medical fields are already imbued with superiority and entitlement? At the root: how to make them respect and value trans people?

No answers yet. What do you think?

ergonomics is (are?) important!

2009-05-17T19:01:00.002-04:00

oh gosh! i figured out a long time ago that my shoulders get tense from typing when the keyboard is too high, but i just realized that my knees get sore sometimes when my seat is too high for my feet to comfortably reach the ground. ouch!

anyway, that was fun to learn. now my knees won't hurt!

Why it bothers me when you say "lame".

2009-05-13T15:02:00.003-04:00

"that's dumb."
"that's so stupid."
"LAME."
"that's gay."
"that's retarded."
"i'm such a spaz."
"that's ghetto."

This post is not about semantics, censorship, or "political correctness". It's about understanding the power of your words, and being intentional about them.

Even though I've gotten used to it, I still flinch every time someone uses "gay" as a pejorative, using those three letters as a sociolinguistic bridge to connect a complex social & sexual identity & experience with a much simpler concept: "bad".

By re-purposing "gay" like that, people reassign the meaning of the word, co-opting a signifier someone else's identity. By misusing it so often and without regard to context, they dilute its significance. It becomes a cheaper word, less valuable and less meaningful.

To me, it may be a mere annoyance at times, a frustration at others, or the last straw on a really bad day. What I'm saying is: when people use a term that has special significance in my life in a negative way, it does me harm, even if only a little.

And I like to operate in a harm-reduction paradigm. If we can make the world a little less bad, a little more good & safe & loving, then why shouldn't we?

Convenience: that's the answer I get most often when I call people out on saying "lame". It's convenient to say "lame" to express non-functionality, interpreted broadly. So "lame" becomes a blanket expression for all minor discontent.

My problem with that is: a) "lame" is a word that has special significance to people with disabilities*, b) your repurposing it therefore does harm, and c) being imprecise in your language compromises your own integrity**.

And of all the daily choices we make without thinking, from how much water to use in the shower to where to get our food to where to go to school to what job to take to what religion to follow, this is one of the most manageable, actionable. It is only a small task to choose to be intentional with our language and respect the power that our words have to hurt or help other people and ourselves.

So, I am asking you to take this small action: when you find yourself about to slip and re-purpose a word that is not yours, reconsider. What is the real message you want to express? It's probably as simple as "I don't like that." And if it's more complex, take the time to allow yourself the freedom to express complexity! It makes life richer for everyone.

---
* regardless of whether a person's specific experience has anything to do with mobility, because it's a signifier. see metonymy.

** um, this is a rather involved point may seem like a stretch but is deeply related, while perhaps more tangential to the specific point I'm making here. See "The Four Agreements", for example.

surgery update #3: blackbird

2009-05-09T12:01:00.000-04:00

The first thing I sang after waking up from surgery was "Blackbird."

Stella, the recovery nurse, wheeled me back up to the hospital room, where Lee was already waiting for me. My throat was gravelly from the breathing tube. I reached out with my left hand, and Lee held it, and I sang:

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

I realized this morning that that was the wrong closing line (it's "you were only waiting for this moment to arrive"). Close enough.

When I got my first shot of testosterone on December 12, 2007, I hadn't expected the calm that washed over me, from the right chemicals clicking into place in my body. And with chest surgery, I had been expecting a lot more difficulty healing, a lot more emotional strife to slough through. But instead, it feels like coming home. I have struggled over the last few years to integrate my experiences before transition with my understanding(s) of myself(ves) afterward. But ever since I woke up on Wednesday, there has been me, and only me, in my head. One clear, calm voice without even noise to shout above.

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

love,
anand

surgery update #2: naps

2009-05-09T11:59:00.001-04:00

(#1 was just a "welcome to the email list")

from Friday, May 8:

Karen Ripley, one of my favorite comedians, has a joke that goes something like this:
"When I was in my 20s, I'd walk into a bar, and say, 'You three alone?'
Now I walk into a bar and say, "You wanna take a nap?"

That's kinda how I feel. :)

Surgery went absolutely flawlessly on Wed. Now I am at Heidi's house in Oakland, doing such exciting things as: lying down! sitting up! making lots of phone calls with the hands free set! and then falling asleep.

which is what i think i'd like to do now. pictures to come soon.

love
anand

Ah, such freedom summer brings!

2009-04-26T13:44:00.006-04:00

School's out! Now I have all the time in the world to get ready for surgery. I'm leaving in 8 days. Here's what's on my preliminary to-do list before then (some items redacted for privacy purposes). Note that this is just one of several ways the tasks can be organized; the categories are not necessarily mutually exclusive or primary.

Information Gathering

ask [physical therapist] about recovery stretches, since I won't be able to raise my arms
ask FTM friends about recovery activities
call [insurance]: get name of person /dept/addy to address letters to
ask [dentist] about timing for fitting & production of mouth guard
see if they can send it to me in CA since it won't be ready in time for me to leave

Financial - non-trip-related

send [car insurance] cancellation letter
mail [new car insurance] contract
write rent cheque
settle house expenses for April

Financial - trip-related

pay loan installment
get cashier's checks for pathology, facility fees

During-Trip tasks

brainstorm activities list (w/ specifics)
make plan for Monday and Tuesday in SF

Pre-travel tasks

make packing list
pack
call [counselor] back
call and email [2nd letter writer]
find out about help at the airport for the way back
check in for flight

Family

[ total redaction ]

Reflection/processing

vomit feelings on paper
compile list of things I've done for surgery to happen

Communications

develop communication strategy for surgery/recovery period
email friends in Bay Area
email friends at large
email family
set autoresponders

Personal

shave
shot
groceries
have latest cholesterol labs sent to [doctor]
pick up & pay for new dresser

Professional

internship - objective/task planning
internship - e-portfolio set up
reading list for thesis
work Monday 11-1
do timesheet

Song of Myself Surgery Send-off Celebration

solidify location
create facebook event
invite people to it
oh right, put the show together

The good news is that now I don't have to be doing all this on top of school, like I was all semester.

Trouble on the i-land.

2009-04-19T17:15:00.015-04:00

"Connecting People, Information, and Technology in More Useful Ways"- motto of the University of Michigan School of Information

You know, there's a lot of tension right now at SI (and in the information field at large) between the library/archives sides of the field and the Human Computer Interaction/Social Computing sides (i.e., those going from people to technology, and those going from technology to people). More precisely, the tension is a product of differing philosophies in heretofore discrete fields of study.

It's a pretty exciting time to be in the field-- we're really at the cutting edge of the nascent discipline, defining what Information Science is, isn't, and could be. So it's natural that tensions run high: trailblazing is a high-stakes game precisely because not everybody makes it. At least, that's the paradigm Americans have to view it in. And I think that this drive for competition can make people feel defensive and insecure about their positions in both SI (micro) and the field (macro). Which is totally counterproductive! We're supposed to be learning from each other, not unzipping to measure every thirty seconds. And I am addressing both sides of the field right now.

However, I cannot overemphasize that we are not on an equal playing field. By overwhelming majorities, the P->T people are coming from women-dominated fields like librarianship and teaching. By overwhelming majorities, the T->P people are coming are coming from men-dominated fields like computer science and economics. This means that the balance of power is not equal, because of the social histories of these fields. The academy is by no means exempt from social systems privilege and oppression that permeate every aspect of life in these United States.

1. First and foremost, there's a vast difference in the amount of money coming into the fields. To be entirely reductionist and permit a false dichotomy for the sake of a good punchline, it's that computer scientists can get Uncle Sam to buy them supercomputers; librarians can get Uncle Pat and Aunt Barbara to chip in at the library bake sale.

Okay, but why is there a money differential? This is actually two answers-- why the dude-side has a lot of money, and why the lady-side has little money. It's a total fallacy to set it up as though each side has ever been vying for the same pot of money (except at the very highest levels of socio-economic decision making).

A. So, first, the fellas have such a ridiculous amount of money because of World War II and the Cold War. You know the story: "gotta get that Enigma code cracked (mo' money)! Gotta defend liberty and Anglo Saxon global hegemon(e)y (mo' money)! Oh no-- Sputnik (mo' money)??! Gotta beat those dirty Ruskis (mo' money)! Gotta intervene in Asian and Latin American countries to defend capitalism and American global hegemon(e)y (mo' money)! blah blah blah". You know the rest.

Does this mean that all science researchers, engineers, and computer scientists, are individually responsible for the perpetuation of an organized system of global neoimperialist neoliberal war and destruction? NO.

Does this invalidate the decades of hard work by dedicated people in these fields? NO.

And have these fields benefited from such a system? YES.

B. And second, the lady fields have so much less money because service work is socially devalued as flim-flam feminine fluff. That is, it's the same old circular logic that service work is women's work and women's work can't possibly have social utility outside the domestic sphere because, well, women do it and they belong at home! So in a culture and nation steered by (hegemonically straight, white, rich, able-bodied, capitalist, American) men, the productivity of non-material work remains under-recognized and underestimated, and its efforts remain under-funded.

[To be sure, there have always been leading men in the lady-fields as well (i.e., Melvil Dewey, Francis Bellamy) but this raises another issue that I really don't have time to go into here.]

2. Jump down a few granular steps of analysis, to the interpersonal level. (Hegemonic) male privilege means that dudes get to talk more, talk louder, talk over other people, and their voices are validated by default (intelligent until proven otherwise). On the flip side, ladies are expected to go along ("be agreeable"), talk more quietly (lest she be accused of bitchery), yield the floor (lest she be pushy), and make every argument twice as convincing (unintelligent until proven otherwise). This is Oppression Theory 101, people. And this is going on in classrooms, faculty meetings, budget decisions, tenure/hiring decisions, et cetera, every day.

So this is why the gendered difference matters in the context of the criticial conversations about the field.

As for their content, and this is what really burns up my biscuits, it's the pervasive perspective that I get from a lot of T->P folks: that they're magically discovering the driving engine that can change the world, and

a. it's because they've finally realized that delivering a service as opposed to strictly a product means you have to understand a particular set of needs among your target user group, and that
b. your user group is defined by a specific set of demographics, which influence their particular needs, uses, and behaviors, and
c. matching your service to a user group's needs will make a win/win situation and you will still make money, as long as the user group has some to give.

And pardon me, but FLIM-FLAM FEMININE FLUFFY THINKERS HAVE BEEN DOING THIS PROFESSIONALLY FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. In the fields you were ignoring! So you didn't just make all this stuff up all by your lonesome self! You're not being post-modern, you're just getting some lady-balance in your dude-brain!

Now, I am quite sure that the folks on the other side who resent the library side of the field see it quite differently (and I'm also sure that many people in the LIS side will disagree strongly with me).

One impression I get is that resentment stems from an adolescent rebellion—the developing T->P side trying to make its own place out of reach of Librarianship's maternal apron strings. But this is speculation based on only one conversation with one person (and I know Freud is so out of style). So, clearly, I need more information. I want to know why there's so much library denigration at the individual level!

So, at long last, we have come to the point of this bit of writing: I am calling for comprehensive open dialogue amongst everybody underneath the Information umbrella! And intentional opportunities for information/perspective sharing! And an open, judgment- and risk-free forum in which to collectively define the scope and future of the field we all care s much about! Theoretically, this is what is happening in JASIST, First Monday, etc. But that's not enough! That doesn't make the conversation widely shareable, especially outside of universities!

So how can we continue to blaze a trail without anybody getting tossed off wagon train?

Some preliminary recommendations:

Macro: A standing conference that rotates locations at different schools/other sites, and which has major emphases in theoretical, pedagogical, and practical applications.
Mid: In i-Schools (and L-Schools!), a structured convocation and integration of people on all sides of the field. This is what they try to do in 501, but we don't have a solid theoretical orientation in our fields yet; we need a follow-up. This could be another required class, for example (but, y'know, another good one).
Mid: In i-Schools, L-Schools, and non-academic information workplaces: privilege-awareness/oppression theory as a focus and underpinning of methodology (academic or otherwise)
Micro: In i-Schools, sit next to someone you don't have classes with at lunch! Strike up a conversation with all those other weirdos—that's actually about what we're learning and practicing, not just personal/non-professional topics of conversation.

That would be a start!

What do you think? Tell me—I want to know.

--
[disclaimer: I'm focusing particularly on gender right now, but there are clearly equally important avenues along axes of class, ability, and race that need to be addressed.]

click to share on facebook.

A peek into my long-term plans

2009-03-30T09:16:00.003-04:00

I tend to forget to keep people outside of school in the loop on my career plans, or, what I'm actually going to do with my life. I just came across this bit that I wrote in an application essay to be a teaching assistant for next fall, and I think it's a nice bite-size encapsulation of why I'm here and what I'm doing. I thought I'd share it with you.

Intentions, information, and action: these three elements are all necessary in any effort toward social justice and sustainable change. In my experiences as a community organizer, educator, and activist, I have found this to be true time and again. Too often, well intentioned people take action on an issue of injustice, but lack the necessary type or degree of information to ensure success. In some cases, the gap between success and failure is a matter of misunderstanding the social or historical context around the issue; in others, a lack of access to the best available data. In either case, the gap between success and failure is also a gap between mapping one's intentions to "make things better" onto appropriate action to enact change. To bridge these gaps, we need better information.

It is with this understanding that I am pursuing a degree in Library and Information Services, as well as a Certificate in LGBTQ Studies. Librarianship lines every path toward social justice: encouraging critical thinking and information literacy, supporting individuals' and communities' desires and needs to absorb information about their lives, fostering a positive environment for learning, promoting creativity and problem solving skills, and on and on.

It goes on from there to talk about connections to teaching and why I'd be a good GSI (graduate student instructor), but that bit up there is the real kernel of my opus magnum. You'll get to hear more about the practical side of it soon, when I write up the proposal for my thesis research. Stay tuned!

Loving Ann Arbor, in spite of itself?

2009-03-26T14:49:00.005-04:00

I got a really insightful and spot-on question from a prospective SI student, and I thought I'd share the question and my response.

"I went to undergrad at a liberal arts college... where the demographics of the school and town are similar. I am concerned about being a minority student in super rich super white Ann Arbor.

Is race/class a ham-stringing issue in Ann Arbor?"

And here's what I wrote back:

That is a fantastic question. The short answer is this: rumors of Ann Arbor's "political correctness"* have been highly exaggerated.

And I mean this from two perspectives:

1. There are a ton of cool/radical people of color, anti-racist white people, and anti-classist people of all types in town; and
2. Racism/classism are definitely present, but they're not as hidden as one might imagine they are--IMO, just like everywhere else.

There are people who misuse and abuse the concept of "diversity", and there are also a vast number of people who engage and celebrate diversity. AA gets a lot of criticism from people on the right for being too progressive (DP benefits, affirmative action stuff) and from people on the left for being too white-liberal. Here are some thoughts on that:

While AA isn't a large city, it's a highly decentralized one. So it can be hard for people new to the town/school to find a niche, /especially/ if they're coming in as anything besides a freshman. There are FANTASTIC student affairs/student development programs to help freshmen/undergrads adjust to being grown & sexy and learn about social justice and oppression and privilege and intersectionality and all that good stuff. But of course, not everyone gets tracked in that way, so there's a fair amount of resistance that a body might encounter in class or something like that. Still, there is a strong social justice awareness and infrastructure within the division of student affairs, and among the student services staff in most schools and programs (especially at SI).

And then on the grad level, people come from all over the world with all different perspectives-- it's one of the risks of having such highly ranked programs. Pretty much every grad program we have is a top-10 (or top 25 at worst). In a lot of ways, the "leaders and best" moniker really rings true. And, of course (again), this means that we get a bunch of different perspectives, including libertarians and straight-up conservatives and super-right-wing people. We have a super highly ranked business school, which means more conservative people concentrated there, but we also have a very well regarded programs in American Culture (which includes various ethnic studies), Women's Studies, Social Work (#1 consistently for as long as I can remember), and things like that, so we get a lot of freaking awesome/radical/activist/socially aware change-making type folks.

Overall, I think Ann Arbor is an awesome place to live. And I'm saying this as an anarchist trans POC from a rural background. I did my undergrad here, and loved it enough to come back for grad school after living in LA.

I'll be honest: we need more people of color in SI-- and in librarianship in general, and positions of public leadership, and everywhere else. So while I think there are definitely challenges to living in AA as a person of color with a class consciousness, I don't think they're *unique* to this town, and it's a lot better in that regard than most places I've lived. Ann Arbor is not really as rich or as white as it may seem on paper. And, in my opinion, the only way to shape it more towards a thorough social justice orientation is to bring more people in to build educational capacity and raise the level of critical consciousness & discourse.

So, wow, that was a lot! You can tell it's something I think about a lot. :)

Let me know what you think--I'd love to continue this conversation. Also, I think I'd like to post this letter on my blog, because a lot of people share your concerns--is that cool?

x!
Anand

*I'm using PC in the co-opted sense, not the original meaning.

I was really glad to get the question, because it made me think critically and reflectively about what frustrates me about being here, but what keeps bringing me back as well.

Lost in Translation, part 1

2009-03-13T09:24:00.003-04:00

When Shri Rama asked Valmiki as to where should he reside as he had abandoned Ayodhya, Valmiki specified about 14 types of residences which were fit for him to reside and these 14 residences covered all the ways and paths of devotion.

Valmiki said:-

1) you should reside along with Sita and Lakshman where people are not tired of listening to your biographical narrative. [source]

I think it's safe to say that literal translations are pretty useless in the realm of spirituality/religion/mysticism/anything that's not literal in the first place.

I was actually just saying this to Andrew the other night, when I was trying to find the full Holi story online so I could tell it to him without missing important details and then having to jump around in the narrative to patch things together.

I've noticed that English tellings of Hindu stories tend to tell either only the literal (see: 1), and therefore miss the spiritual, or only the spiritual, but in a really colonial reductionist/positivist way, and therefore miss the point of its being a story. The former mistakes the model for the phenomenon, as Priya would say (though in this case I might suggest that, more precisely, it's mistaking the vehicle for the tenor). The latter disabuses the notion that the tenor and vehicle have anything to do with each other--it's inconceivable that a cup might be the best way to hold water for drinking, because the focus is on drinking the water.

I'm a big fan of the way Hinduism has been recorded. A word is a symbol that represents the meaning of an abstract concept in order to communicate it outside the self; similarly, a story encapsulates and communicates a more complex concept or idea, or set of them in relation to each other.

And if they hadn't specifically intended to communicate Hinduism that way--subliming conceptions of divinity, life, everything, and universal connectedness into the plot and characters in a story--those old yogis would have just written out some commandments and essays and been done with it.

Biznass.

2009-03-02T10:46:00.003-05:00

Here's what's keeping me busy these days (i.e., why I never call you):

school

SI has successfully converted me: I now actually prefer group projects

as long as the task at hand supports that structure

working at the reference desk

last night a patron actually wanted to use a reference source

a PRINT reference source

it made my whole night.

planning for chest surgery

finances
insurances
aftercare

have to be vague here for insurance purposes. email me if you're interested in the details.

therapy

dude, it's way hard work.

and it's totally worth it

parenting the cat

i can't wait until he's done being a teenager.
- ugh, he loves to bite.
- and he's a little on the greasy side.
am i feeding him enough? too much?
on the plus side, he seems to be taking to his new scratching post quite well.

planning for the summer

weddings
internship
G's library
travel to and from all of these things

physical therapy

it's awesome. my neck is functional.
but i feel bad because i can't get myself to do all of my exercises at home as often as i'm supposed to

managing my cholesterol

mm, flax oil...

getting in shape

it makes my body feel clean and refreshed
looking forward to spring, so i can ride my bike outside.
it's hard to get into a routine when life is so unpredictable. sometimes i'll go to the gym 4 times in a week, sometimes it's once in two weeks.

reading

i'm pretty sure i've read more books for fun/my own information this semester than in the last 2 years
it makes my brain feel clean and refreshed

riding the bus

okay it's fun, but again, i'm looking forward to spring so i can be more flexible with my time

You know, I didn't intend for that to be in order of my priorities, but it came out that way.

And now I must be off to read for my library management class. I will do it, I will, I will.

Trip.

2009-02-26T22:23:00.004-05:00

(I decided I really enjoy putting boring titles on my posts).

Soooo I went on a mini-road trip for spring break. 1200 miles, 7 days, 5 cities. W00t.

Pictures on facebook here.

No. You cannot get pregnant if you have been on testosterone for as long as he has.

2009-01-28T14:02:00.004-05:00

Maybe you saw "The L Word" on Sunday.

If you didn't, that is great. That is just awesome. Don't worry about a thing.

If you did, you may have found yourself thinking, "OMG, that's stupid." This is normal. Don't worry about a thing.

But you may also have found yourself thinking, "Oh hey, I didn't know trans men could get pregnant even if they're on testosterone! I'm glad I learned that. I can bring it up at cocktail parties."

You may have questioned whether that was even true, but had your doubts set to rest when the doctor character said, clearly and unequivocally,

"Testosterone doesn't shut down your reproductive system, Max."

I am sure you will be dismayed to find that this is entirely untrue. Testosterone does, in fact, shut down the physiological processes of the reproductive system in female-bodied people.

If you have stopped having a period, and consistently don't have one for 2 cycles (months), you are infertile.

Here are some facts based on established medical research. They come from this book:

Gorton, N., Buth, J., & Spade, D. (2005). Medical Therapy and Health Maintenance for Transgender Men: A Guide For Health Care Providers. San Francisco: Lyon-Martin Women's Health Services.

It is available for free download from http://www.nickgorton.org.

"Menses cease due to anovulation caused by the suppression of the hypothalamic-pituitary axis by testosterone. Menses may cease after the first testosterone injection, however many patients may have one or more periods before complete amenorrhea occurs. All patients should be amenorrheic within five months of treatment." (p. 51)

(translation: testosterone make you stop having a period. fast.)

"I understand that fertility (ability to become pregnant) will not immediately cease when I
start testosterone. I understand that it is imperative that if I have vaginal sex with men, I
must use a barrier method until my periods stop for at least two months. I understand this
is because testosterone can cause major birth defects if I become pregnant while taking it." (p.32)

summary in the form of text from the informed consent agreement for initiating testosterone therapy

Okay. Everbody clear? Good.

You may now be thinking, "Jesus Christ! It is irresponsible and dangerous and despicable to spread misinformation about matters of public health in order to exploit a marginalized community for the sake of ratings. Especially matters about which bad information far outweights the good information that is easily available, and especially when the subject matter is sensitive. And especially when the affected population already has to fight uphill against the medical system to get proper healthcare, including seeking information from a health professional."

I am, too.

In a nutshell: Fuck you, the L word!

Dude, You Guys, Hey.

2009-01-28T12:02:00.002-05:00

Information literacy is super important. From the BBC:

A top doctor has admitted her part in hoodwinking a leading medical journal after inventing a medical condition called "cello scrotum".

Elaine Murphy - now Baroness Murphy - dreamt up the painful complaint in the 1970s, sending a report to the British Medical Journal.

She came clean when the hoax resurfaced in the 2008 Christmas edition [when another researcher cited the condition in their own paper].

A BMJ spokesman said the inclusion and subsequent debunking of "cello scrotum" had "added to the gaiety of life".

Full article here.

Heat wave

2009-01-18T21:18:00.003-05:00

I'm glad the cold snap is over. It's a whopping 30 degrees warmer than it was two days ago, and the +17 degrees outside feels positively balmy. My face didn't feel like it was going to shatter off my face and get ground into the salt by a passing school bus! And I didn't have to reapply my chapstick-substitute immediately after reaching my destination! And my eyelashes didn't freeze!

Yes ma'am, 17 degrees I like.

grumpy morning weather post

2009-01-15T08:22:00.003-05:00

grumpgrumpgrump-2.1Fgrumpgrump
-16windchillgrumphighof+5grumpgrump
grumpgrumpandsomehowit'sstillgoingtosnowgrump
grumpgrump

i hope the bus isn't running late.

*sigh* on the plus side, maybe i can avoid top surgery altogether this way. my chesticles could just freeze all the way off!

grump. if you listen carefully, that's exact noise the snow makes under my shoes when the weather is like this-- just before squeak and too dry for crunch. the snow says, "grumpgrumpgrumpgrump".

i bet you could make a Bose-Einstein condensate in my mailbox right now.

Boring Update, January 11, 2009

2009-01-11T21:49:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these!

Ahem.

got back to Ann Arbor on Jan. 3

the cold is refreshing

after reflecting and researching over break, i will now talk the ear off anyone who asks what i want to do after library school

but writing takes a long time, so i'll be mysterious here

unless i post part of the paper I wrote for Joan's "Information Use in Communities" class last semester.

I found a bunch of typos when I went back and read it.

I hope she didn't mind.

school started

I've only had one class so far (Collection Development). Two more tomorrow.
In terms of material, I'm most looking forward to my computer class, actually. It'll be exciting.
Collection Development and "Management of Libraries and Information Services" will be extremely valuable and enjoyable for class discussions and the professors.

But boring.

Kind of.

Word's out on "eCommunities". I've heard it's a great class and a great professor, but I don't know what to expect at all.

I decided to do the certificate in queer studies.

Fun!
Useful!

When you hear my plan.

Not sure if I'll stay an extra semester to finish it or not (I can squeeze it into next year if I really want to).
- Pro: taking the time will give me space to really take all the LIS classes I want to.
- Con: it's an extra semester.

Started working out again.

"Again". Like I've ever been regular about it...
My ass has disappeared completely. Maybe it's on vacay with the ice caps.
I have also read 3 books cover to cover since last Monday.

Stimulates the mind and body.

Doing some light weight training with the back muscles.

It's helping.

Seeing the doctor tomorrow to (fingers crossed) get a referral/script for physical therapy.

Which my insurance covers.

w00t!

Found a new therapist who's a great fit!

Whom my insurance does not cover.

Crap.

Working on a workaround

(more finger crossing)

Entering phase 3 of top surgery research

(scheduling)
Still weighing Brownstein vs. Tholen

maybe they'd wrestle...

Finch is

Oh god no! Don't let me start!

(I'll never stop)

Alright, then. Time for management reading.
g'night!

False Alarm!

2009-01-11T21:47:00.005-05:00

We can call off the impending War on Global Warming! I found the polar ice caps, they're not disappearing at all. Apparently they went south (and north) for the winter and had taken up a temporary residence all over my car.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T18:28:00.003-05:00

God ~~bless~~ save us, everyone.

From today's yahoo front page. I've highlighted my favorites.

Professional Practice in Libraries, or, Did that patron just hear me fart?

2008-12-04T17:15:00.003-05:00

You know, I think I'll just let the title speak for itself.

Happy finals!

When I teach economics or recent history, this will be on the syllabus.

2008-11-19T01:08:00.001-05:00

In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

Parade On, Weather Be Damned

2008-11-05T01:03:00.004-05:00

The point is that I got home around 1 AM, and directly picked up L. Finch. I cuddled him close, and I said, "Listen, Kitty. I'm so glad you get to grow up in a world where George Bush is not the president, and where neocons philosophy doesn't rule policy. I don't care that CNN and MSNBC and all those other crap media keep making him an 'exceptional' example of Blackness and underscoring multicultural racism and saying that racism is now over because of one individual triumph. I don't care that other people like him for different reasons than I do. Because this man truly represents a dramatic shift in American (and therefore global) approaches to governance, politics, and real health. And, as someone once told me,

Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade
Don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to
If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade
I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum
And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir
At least I didn't fake it, hat, sir
I guess I didn't make it
But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life's complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye
I gotta fly once, I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade!" (link)

Well most of that I said and some of it I meant to say. I really did sing it to him, though.

People, we have a community organizer moving into the White House. This is huge. This is just as significant as his Blackness in making history.-89044444444444444444444444443oixze

(that last part was a contribution from Finch)

xox

LOLdogs!

2008-10-29T20:26:00.004-04:00

DUDE! Loldogs and lolcats are, well, completely different animals! Loldogs tend to be much more positive. I'm not converting, but I am definitely going to increase my loldog intake and decrease my lolcat intake.

Election commentary that DOESN'T have me running for the hills

2008-10-29T19:16:00.003-04:00

From Mark Morford's SF Gate column today:

"Let's not get carried away.

Let's not go so far as to suggest we're about to enter into some sort of fluffy utopian tofu puppy happyland where nipples fly free and consciousness expands and the fetid rivers of racism and homophobia that course through the American heartland like acidic sewage somehow magically vanish, somehow become dramatically curtailed, should the twin forces of progress known as President Obama and a vanquished California Proposition 8 somehow come to pass."

Rest of the article is here.

Crap in my lungs

2008-10-21T18:56:00.002-04:00

This cold went straight for the pulmonary. It's just settling in today, after dropping the slightest of hints over the last couple of days. Symptoms are: it feels like there is a dry-assed sponge in my lungs, headache, slight cough, fatigue. Should be a fun week... maybe this will get me to actually choose a primary care physician so I can use my health insurance.

Look for the helpers

2008-10-18T21:45:00.003-04:00

"When I was a child and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find peoplep who are helping.'" -Fred Rogers, /You Are Special/ (1994), p. 104

I've been reflecting on that for the last few days. It's a matter of zooming out your lens on reality. Where you see only pain, zoom out. There are helpers out of frame. They may not be fixers, but they are trying to make it better. They are still positive energy pouring on the hurt*. And having a more complete picture will help you remember humanity even in the face of atrocity.

*because of these darn kids and their new slang, i need to clarify that i mean "positive energy is flowing on top of negative energy", and not "positive energy is causing harm". darn kids muddling up the language... :)

[edit: omg cosmic alignment-- i just navigated to the family communications, inc, webpage, and they had that quote playing in a photo collage of him in a flash animation on the front page! omg!]

Why I need a chinstrap on my nightcap

2008-10-17T16:23:00.004-04:00

Premise 1: I don't have a lot of hair on my head anymore.
Premise 2: It is cold at night.
Premise 3: My head gets cold at night.
Premise 4: I wear a hat at night to keep my head warm
Premise 5: Wearing the hat makes me sleep deeper and more restfully.

But lately, sometimes I manage to take it off at some point during the night, which has a cascade effect along the 5 listed premises, leading to horrific nightmares. Not monster-kind. That would be too simple. Mine are about weird bad psychological things happening to people in my family.

In the early morning on October 6, I had this dream:

A creepy old man (played by Papa) kidnapped me and was trying to brainwash me with right wing Hindu(/Christian?) ideology, hardcore cult-style, in his house. He always wore a lungi, a spun cotton vest, and a Karzai hat. He had already kidnapped Surya and she was all docile and eerie*. Whenever she said something in her addled state that could be construed as non-brainwashed, he would gently and kindly say that he just needed to put the tape on for her, and he'd go do that and lock her in a room with the tape player.

We manged to escape when his assistant/henchwoman lady was out of the apartment (she was the real enforcer, he played nice but was evil inside). I ran ran ran ran ran as fast as I could and met up with my friends on State street in daytime. We were hanging out in front of Amer's, and then they were talking about something that I wasn't interested in, so I decided to go to the (Sterling) public library to get some books I'd been wanting to read. I got there and navigated the stacks, which were made of alabaster green glass, and you had to float or something to get to the upper level (I might be confusing this library with another dreamstate library).

I got 2 books about comparative religion and deprogramming or something like that, and I decided to leave the books for Scary Papa on his front stoop, so I went to his house. I bent down to put the books there, but when I looked up he was standing right over me! I said, "Jesus Christ!" and started running down the poured concrete hallway, and it occurred to me that saying that probably pissed him off more. He was right behind me, running in his lungi! I was runningrunningrunning as fast as I could, and then I was at the stairwell, which was concrete with a rounded iron railing painted hunter green*. It was 4 flights down! But that guy was closing in on me, so I did a wicked parkour jump down one, two, three, four flights. I noted how cool that was, but then I kept running. I kept running as fast as I could with him still behind me, and then I woke up.

Yuck!

Okay and then last night, I did it again!

The short version: in this one, my mom was pregnant, which was a big deal because she's (a) too old for that crap, and (b) diabetic, so it was hugely dangerous. And then Britney Spears was at the Dolly Parton concert with me, and she was running her trap about my mom being pregnant and I was like, "BRITNEY! Why would you think it's okay to say that?" and we had a productive discusison about disclosing other people's private information.

But then it turned out that my mom was not actually pregnant, but was really having a dissociative episode due to alzheimer's, and she was reliving when she actually /was/ pregnant a long time ago.

AAAH!

Jane offered to knit me a chinstrap. I think I will take her up on the offer.

*Almost like the women at the rescue camp in John Ford's /The Searchers/ (1956).
*Sam had been painting his bike frame that color the previous day.

Autumn

2008-10-12T11:02:00.003-04:00

When the temperature drops and the air turns sharp and clear, I know that winter is hiding in an alley around the corner, smoking moist-air-cigarettes with Slush and Gray. For a week or two, I appreciate the beauty around me as the last bits of green happiness before the 6-month winter settles in and I never want to go outside because my eyelashes will freeze together.

And then, all of a sudden, Ann Arbor is aflame with a blazing vibrancy of colors unique to anywhere in the universe. It's a fire that warms the cooling days, gorgeous to look at. But more importantly, it's one big Mardi Gras parade of life, love, and color before the somber Lent of winter comes in. Autumn is a celebration of life, a reminder that all things pass, but our existence flows in cycles, and so there's no need for despair at death. Life will come again. Without death, the renewal, the joie de vivre, of spring would be meaningless.

But death is winter, and winter is not here yet. Here is Autumn, and Autumn is glory days. Autumn is love and reflection and beauty immeasurable. Autumn is a 100th birthday party-- we know the end is coming sooner rather than later, but still we rejoice in life.

There's a reason a phoenix bursts into flame before dying, instead of withering away to dust. When time is of the essence, style must be, too.

It doesn't end

2008-10-01T11:37:00.003-04:00

Remember that part in the SNL Palin-Couric interview spoof where it's SO FUNNY because Tina Fey goes on this long rant and is totally incoherent and oh gosh, at least Sarah Palin isn't quite as bad as they're embellishing?

Well, I hadn't seen the part of the interview it was lifted from. Almost verbatim. Dear lord.

(watch until the end for the Billy Madison resolution)

It's like I just watched a different edit of the same interview

2008-09-28T11:12:00.007-04:00

See? And it's not sexist because they just let her speak for herself and embellish on occasion.

Thank god for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Oh and P.S. Sexism

2008-09-26T16:54:00.003-04:00

I forgot to add the tiny bit about the overwhelming sexism that is taking control of Palin-criticism on the left and right alike. Liberals feel like it's "too easy" to make fun of Palin, but focusing on her inexperience got old, so not-so-cleverly coded messages a la "oh man, remember how SHE'S A WOMAN??" are everywhere. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Unfortunately for my own credibility, I am not in the mood to sift through Palin-hate and pull out key examples.

Basically, this election, which has been such the historic, momentous occasion, makes me ill. The amount of racism and sexism that has just sputtered up now that people have focal points makes me want to dig a hole and hide there until Barack Obama is president and has implemented a New New Deal and creates jobs for unemployed bigots on offshore ocean clean-up barges. Oy.

Palienation

2008-09-26T15:37:00.002-04:00

I feel genuinely bad for Sarah Palin. Have you seen the Katie Couric interview?

She is clearly in over her head, and she knows it. The bravado she rode in on at the RNC has long since faded, and now she's got another whole month to perform without the benefit of pyrotechnics. McCain was incredibly short-sighted and plain ol' sexist in choosing Palin as his running mate. He gives no intimation of actually trusting Palin, or respecting her as a professional. He bought her to show off to the boys-- young, sexy, ignorant, ambitious, and smart (if not savvy). The McCain campaign flaunts her like the first lady Cindy McCain doesn't appear to be playing.

And not being a feminist herself, Palin doesn't have the guts to call out the bullshit. They're tokenizing her, brandishing her femininity like the social phallus McCain lacks. They expect her to dance not like an organ grinder's monkey, which is what we're used to in the VP slot, but like a stripper sharing and baring her feminine wiles to garner cheers and cash for men in the back office who don't care that she's also getting catcalls and bottles whipped at her.

Watching that interview with Katie Couric, I saw desperation, as if she wanted to stop the interview and yell, "What do you /want/ from me? I am clearly not qualified for this! My personal and family life is a mess! I never wanted this! If I fuck this up, my career is OVER, and I don't have the skill set to win!" McCain has led her out like a pig to the slaughter, lipstick and all.

I hope she grows a pair and writes an expose memoir in a few years that details the horror of this campaign and analyzes it in a feminist framework. I also hope this is a turning point for her and that she shaves her head and becomes a radical militant lesbian separatist. It's what America needs, now more than ever.

Dude my head is cold

2008-09-21T23:29:00.004-04:00

I'm at work at the reference desk with half an hour left, and I'm experiencing the oddest sensation of being really, really, tired, but 100% alert. The former is due to it being late and my having had a full day already, thank you very much; the latter is because I trimmed my hair today and so MY HEAD IS COLD, being extra sensitive to stimulation right now.

That's all. Thought you'd like to know.

Oh ALSO while I was clippering away today, I started with the top of my head, which is usual. But then I did the whole top first, instead of skipping around. I caught a look at myself in the mirror in one instant, and almost dropped the buzzer because I saw my father staring straight back at me. I mean, I look just like him anyway, but with hair on the sides and none on top, it's uncanny.

P.S. I just realized that "dude" is often used strictly as an emphatic, and not as a form of address. Huh. I think I knew that, I've just never thought about it before.

My face: now with more usable surface area!

2008-09-21T21:00:00.007-04:00

I shaved off my sideburns (manburns) today. I've been working on them since June, and I think they had finally plateaued. They were getting curly and fun looking, but there were still plenty of cute downy soft hairs underneath. Well, screw those guys! It's time for them to grow up.

I'd been thinking for a while about shearing them to encourage more virile hairs to grow, and today after trimming my hair, I just looked myself in the eye* and said, "do it", and so I did.

What a difference! I forgot I had all that extra space on my face! It's useful for sensory perception. A whole 6-7 square inches of it!

The current plan is to keep shaving my whole face (and neck...I'm really good at growing hair on my neck) until mid/late October. Then I'll let everything grow until Thanksgiving, just to chagrin my mother.**

*There was a mirror involved. I haven't developed a serious dissociative personality disorder. Yet.
**And properly perform the role of "graduate student".

Dreams are weird, and I am a homo

2008-09-06T08:23:00.007-04:00

I had a nightmare about Fanny Brice this morning. It was based on a scene from Funny Lady that I caught on TV last week in which Babs-as-Brice sabotages a synchronized swimming rehearsal by dressing as a grown-up-child and bumping into people and literally knocking the prima swimmerina off her pedestal. She does it not out of mean spirit, but a desire for attention and love; no one gets hurt, but I'm sure they're pissed off a little.

Okay so in my dream, I had to get from GodKnowsWhere to Ann Arbor in time to start classes on Monday, and I was supposed to fly but I hadn't packed anything yet. So then I was going to drive, but I wouldn't be able to get here on time, but I was excited to see states that I'd missed. I remember the trip would have involved driving through northern Texas and Missouri, but not where I was starting or why.

So then somehow I'm on a big diving platform and Fanny (played by Barbara) is there with some other statuesque white women. She seems desperate to get back in the spotlight, even though she's already in the show-- she wants more. So she's been surreptitiously plotting to injure the other headlining swimmer so they can't perform. There's an area off-stage serving as a long-term infirmary for women who've been injured, and the implication is that they're more like race horses than human athletes—if you get hurt, your career is over, no matter the severity of the injury in the waking world. All injuries are terminal in this world. One woman lying on a cot told me it was her shoulder (a strain, I believe); she'd gotten hurt 3 times, and now she'll never get back in the water, because she was dying.

[By this time in the dream I'm one of the background swimmers, and I know the routines and all.]

So Fanny is really being ruthless here. Even a minor injury can ruin a life, and here she is actually trying to hurt someone. Such is her desperation! I find out that she's already taken one woman out of the running, and she is in the infirmary, "healing", but essentially being bitter and waiting to die.

On the diving platform, stacks of ballet insoles are sewn in everyone's starting points. Some have more than others some in different foot positions. We start each routine by jumping off our insole-spots into the water. The stage managing people work very meticulously to make sure that each swimmer's insole-spot is the right height for their starting dive; some have 45, some 65, and generally the less important you are to the show, the fewer you have in your stack. If there's any error, the results could be deadly, as our dives are calculated to incredible precision.

Fanny removes a few insoles from the stack of the prima swimmerina and hides them in the garbage (not unlike Matthew Broderick in /Election/ with the ballots, but more carefully). We're ready to start the show. The prima swimmerina takes off her silver chenille robe and walks over to the platform. She's a total priss and looks down on Fanny, whom she considers to be a washed up has-been, but she doesn't deserve to die.

The music starts, we're all in place, and dive we do. Only somehow, it was MY insole-stack that failed, and my back is paralyzed the instant I hit the water. People scream and move out of the way, and somehow I get to the infirmary. In the dream world, now I'm both myself, the innocent bystander, and the prima swimmerina, the intended target.

In the chaos, we find the body of a tall man in a trenchcoat, apparently mugged and killed on his way to the show. And this is the deepest irony—he's one Fanny wanted to perform for, the one from whom she sought love and attention so desperately. She's distraught at the pain she's caused, which has now all been in vain.

And now I'M GONNA DIE and how I am I going to be able to drive to Michigan if I'm DEAD? And then there was something about Surya and then I woke up to /On the Media/, which was equally terrifying because they were talking about all the protesters who got arrested and tear-gassed at the RNC, and I was reminded that we live in a police state and the apocalypse is upon us, but we're too busy fiddling with our ipods to notice.

Were you HIGH???

2008-08-29T11:03:00.002-04:00

So I just saw the opening scene from an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. Um. This is amazingly bad. I didn't know you could make something this bad. Especially with a franchise. And a budget. Ooh, it's back from commercial. The acting is so bad. And the post-production is awful. And the music is...is...crap. And the Asian lady just said that these aliens eat dogs. OMG. Ok I have to stop this now. But seriously, why produce a cheap soap opera, set it in space, and call it Star Trek? Why not just go to conventions and vomit all over Patrick Stewart?

In other news, please look up "guitar idol". I just saw an ad for it. Our civilization is doomed.

Making a good first impression

2008-08-29T10:32:00.002-04:00

So a couple of times in orientation and training, I've mentioned sitting at home in my underpants. Once it was in reference to doing the "ask a librarian" e-chat/IM from home, and I can't remember the other occasion. Both times I've been surprised to see that the person I'm talking to is slightly taken aback. But only slightly, and surely not offended. I can tell they think it's funny but they're surprised that I actually said it on the first date, so to speak.

I think it's because they don't know how cute my underpants are.

Ohhhh

2008-08-27T15:12:00.003-04:00

Hi I'm in Ann Arbor. Orienting. Busy like a fiend. I'm making new friends! And school is AWESOME so far. I'm doing training for the reference desk (aka information center or IC). Some time I will have the opportunity to write about the trip and the getting here and the being here. But not today.

xxx

Wisdom Teeth, or, Remind me again how this is evolutionarily savvy?

2008-08-04T22:37:00.004-04:00

So I spent the last 3 days in varying states of agony because of my f*ing wisdom teeth migrating again. This time was worse than any that preceded it. I had a constant fever that ranged from 100 to 102, a migraine that went up and down, and then of course the pain of goddamn teething.

And what do I have to show for the last 72 hours? Shiny new teeth that I don't have room for? No. One measly little extra point on the left side and another measlier, littler point on the right.

I think the shifting has stopped for now, but there is no way in hell I am canceling the appointment I made to get them extracted on Wednesday morning. I do not ever want to go through this again. Ouchies.

poem of the moment #4

2008-07-31T23:40:00.008-04:00

I knew you
before we both knew ourselves.
before your wounds had healed,
when your blood, true and strong,
flowed from your veins just as
thickly as it now pumps to the surface of your skin.
we were both more honest then.
tossed dignity aside,
too overwhelmed by love and life and
hormones
to conceal our soft bellies (fat with mother's milk).

and yet still we hid
from
sneering peers
strangers' gropes
fathers' arms
from
loving ourselves.

Then, then, I knew you.
And loved you for reflecting me,
whom i could not.
and for, within, the You i saw.

Loved you for the moth, wet and curled, wrapped within the
delicate protection
of
concentrated resolve.

I see you've got a wing out now, and a leg or two.

Good.

Me too.

So I'll know You, too, when we both emerge,
triumphant in birth and ready
to flutter,
and
depart.

Love and Universal Everythingness, the blog!

2008-07-30T17:16:00.006-04:00

The following essay/reflection/treatise/thingy operates by taking as given that Human Civilization is FUBAR. Please suspend your investment in Modern Culture accordingly for the duration of the trip and keep hands, feet, and tentacles inside the ozone layer at all times.

We humans spend and awful lot of time and energy trying to ascribe meaning to our lives. We build massive (phallic) structures, wage wars, create religions, interpret dreams, make incredible art and music, exercise control over our children, and on and on. There are deeply important forces of creation as well as destruction at play.

Some humans have spent years and lifetimes, generations and centuries trying to pinpoint our position in the Grand Scheme of Things, taking time for deep reflection, tormenting the spirit and mind, reaching enlightenment of some kind or another. Others have refused to take off their social blinders and look at the world outside of social constructs.

In the end, though, none of any of that matters. This is not to say I agree with nihilists or libertarians; I choose to infer from my existence as a fraction of a speck in the Universe not that my life is insignificant and therefore worthless, but rather that my very existence is indeed significant just because I am and we are.

I exist! Out of the [LITERALLY!] infinite possibilities of the Universe, I, me, myself, happened to come about. How amazing! Light energy has slowed down at just the right frequencies to allow distinguishable matter, and that matter vibrates at the exact perfect frequency as to form atoms and molecules and amino acids and nucleic acids and large, complex protein structures that compose my anatomy and there is electricity in a glob of glucose that I call my brain, and that gives me a consciousness. And every nanojoule of this energy that constitutes ME was present when our proto-sun exploded and turned into a star, expelling matter and energy hundreds of lightyears in every direction.

What more do I need to consider myself significant, my life meaningful? How can something so fundamental be controversial?

Here's the problem (and the beginning of my speculation/theorizing/philosophy/argument). Lots of other humans faced this question and decided they couldn't deal with their
infinite natures. So we have spent thousands of years trying to separate ourselves from nature.* Making tools, weapons; controlling fire; trading, devising monetary schemes; ascribing power. It's all a diversion from the universal truth that we Exist.

People looked past "we Exist", and asked, "so what?"
They said, "A rock exists. So what? A rock! A boring, plain old rock. A rock is of no use except to throw or build. Surely I'm more important than a rock."
They said, "A tree exists. A tree! A tall, beautiful tree. A tree provides food and shelter, and I can kill it to make things. But it can't do anything to defend itself! So surely I must be more important than a tree, because I can control it."
They said, "Bugs and worms and jellyfish exist. So what? If they can exist, it can't be all that special. I can control them, too, so I must be more important. There must be more to life than living."

And as they worked their way up the hierarchy of life that they were building as it occurred to them, suddenly, oh shit, they were looking at other humans. How many thousands of volumes of literature have been devoted to ranking humanity, ascribing value to difference, subjugating enormous classes of people, creating categories that, try as we might, still can't quite encompass everyone. How many wars? Genocides?

The entire global social order is premised on the basic flawed assumption that human life, life on earth, earth itself is ultimately powerless and insignificant.** It's one hell of an inferiority complex, magnified over generations, infected globally through processes of war and colonialism and other forms of cultural exchange.

Now, of course people will try to tell me, "But it's not all bad! We're just trying to live up to our potential, given the amazing gift of life that we do appreciate! We've done things like Science and Art and Progress! We've fixed Things!"

The crux of the argument, the real heart of it, is in how we conflate self-worth with power. As a consequence of that action, that judgment, we turn our gaze outward, away from our infinite selves, and onto false idols of social, cultural, and institutional Meaning.

We, humans, will never be able to build enough, create enough, destroy enough to give ourselves the satisfaction we desire. We're trying to play God, imitate nature, not participate in it. If, instead of trying to create meaning, significance, control, we resign ourselves to accept that in the Grand Scheme of Things, we have no control, and neither does anybody else, we will start to get back on the right track.

Because right now we are living in a nightmare that we as a species have created. To love ourselves just as we are right now in this moment is antithetical and deeply subversive to social entente, and that is fundamentally fucked up.***

So please, run around naked in the woods. Or hell, run around naked at your office! It'll be a move in the right direction.

*By "nature", I mean to say "untampered physical, geographical, and physiological ecology".
**NB: I'm not saying everyone in the world believes this now or always has, I'm saying social power and function today are inextricable from it.
***This sentence alone deserves an explanation that would fill several volumes. It applies to consumer citizenship most obviously, but to many other aspects of life as well.

This essay comes out of a burgeoning tradition of philosophy known as Love and Universal Everythingness (which I have made up), which is not a religion but a path to enlightenment, and which, as I read and think more, I will probably discover has really been Vipassana and/or Hinduism all along.

Poem of the moment #3

2008-07-17T15:14:00.006-04:00

Folding laundry and suddenly
a small doesn't seem quite so.
a shirt filled out, no longer draped loose on
soft shoulders, thin ribs.
chinks in the armor i put up to pretend i'm the same,
that i could have been happy before,
that it's No Big Deal, i can Handle it;
my excessive artificing foiled by a skin of cotton
spilling volumes of what lies beneath.

The Story of My Long Day

2008-07-16T23:30:00.004-04:00

Actually, I don't know if I have the energy to tell the whole story. Here's an annotated bullet list.

mile 0, 9:30a - chiropractor appt.
mile 10, 10:40a - make it back home. supposed to be in long beach by 11:30. could still make it.
mile 35, 11:30a - get totally and completely confused by the 710 and end up (nearly) on a freight barge to China.
mile 40, 11:54a - still lost beyond reason (where I am does not match where it says I am on the map). call Andrew and between his google-mapping, my eyesight, and my Thomas guide, successfully navigate to my meeting in Long Beach.
mile 50, 12:43p - arrive at meeting in Long Beach.
1:34p - leave Long Beach for Mumma's house, mistakenly thinking that my other meeting is on the West Side (it is actually near Pomona).
mile 73, 2:18p - arrive Mumma's house. check email. eat a bite. head out.
mile 80, 3:15p - arrive at auto body shop to finally get car fixed after accident from june. get estimate. remember that i have a deductible and so while, yes, my auto insurance will be covering expenses for fixing my car, they will only be paying $32, and I will be paying the full deductible. Sh*t.
4:15p - arrive at Enterprise for the rental. which /is/ covered by my auto insurance. meet a nice guy and talk to him. he's going to be a k-12 school counselor. he thinks my info science career goals are sweet.
5:15p - finish with the car rental ppl. decide to go to beach to wait out traffic.
mile 86, 5:30p - see Denny's. turn in.
6:oop - decide to still go to beach to wait out traffic.
mile 95, 6:15p - get to beach (not the one i intend to go to). realize i don't have the cash to park successfully. get back on road. semi-enjoy a semi-pleasant drive down the road close to the beach (semi- because many of the other drivers were cranky or rude and there were lots of them and i was tired)
mile 105, 6:45p - arrive back at Mumma's house. realize en route that i left my house keys in my car, which is now at the auto body shop. try to break into house. fail. lie down on sofa in backyard and cry because i'm so tired and can't find any happy feelings. make some phone calls. feel a little better.
7:25p - danny g. calls back. relate events and get so tired thinking about it that i start crying again. recognize how pathetic i'm being, but can't halp it at that point. get cheered up. drink out of garden hose because i am out of water and am still locked out of the house. resolve to start driving home.
mile 130, 8:15p - arrive back at home. through traffic, which was moderate, but still more than i expected/enjoyed for it being 8 o'clock.
8:20p - choose from fine selection of specialty beers i got from pk & hb for my birthday.
8:47p - stare at pile of clean laundry on my bed.

AND, going throughout the day, there were 26 phone calls, between dialed, received, and missed. Today required and taxed a lot of energy. It was not really a bad day, just very long. I actually had a lot of fun when I was lost in Long Beach and at my meeting.

In sum,
130 miles, (nearly) 12 hours, 26 phone calls, 1 me. long. day.

Moments of the 21st

2008-07-05T03:19:00.003-04:00

Went to a liquor store to commemorate the milestone, even if I never drink a drop of the whiskey. Perhaps I'll keep this bottle unopened as a tribute to this moment in my life.

It was a small, Asian-owned/operated storefront on North Broadway. When I gave the guy behind the counter my ID, he stopped and said, "That's tomorrow," paused, looked at the clock, and wished me a happy birthday. Then he said I'd still have to wait until the following night, when I'd have completed my birthday. Which I was prepared for, so I told him but now I have completed 21 years living. He consulted briefly with an older man stocking freezer shelves in a language I didn't understand (I think Korean), then tossed a chocolate in my bag and said, "Happy Birthday" and rang me up.

It was such a beautiful, familial, old-world gesture to toss in the choco, and I really appreciated it, as a diasporic Indian raised in two cultures who is familiar with those sort of things, but doesn't bring it up around non-immigrant-raised friends because they just don't understand those unAmerican, non-capitalist gestures unless they're brought up as stereotypes, which they then disdain. It's actually a form of cultural imperialism and falls in line with multiculturalism (i.e., "pretend everyone is the same-ism"), by which process difference is derided and sameness touted, keeping invisible the fact that this sameness is really a conformity to Whiteness, leaving it undisturbed at the top of the heap and blaming people of color for causing problems (i.e., the unspoken thought that "racism wouldn't be a problem if people of color weren't around to bring it up"; only talking about race/difference as causing problems [leads to the spurious, just-below-the-surface social equation of racism = racial difference]). Note that I'm talking about the concept/construct, not necessarily the people.

Anyway, he was a sweet guy. Good way to start a new year, a new part of my life, and a new affinity for Korean chocolate.

Poems on the Eve of a Milestone II

2008-07-05T02:10:00.003-04:00

It's silly to pretend that I'm just as happy here as I was in school/AA. My friends from school go much deeper-- I've known them longer, and they've been there for significant developmental periods in my life, and they've known me before transition. Of course I'll miss them now, on my birthday eve. But I've been rationalizing that this bday will just be different, and that that's okay. Which it is, and it is. But I jumped to that point without letting myself feel sad or disappointed at a base emotional level, so it rang hollow.

The same thing I'm always harping on about in workshops and journal entries alike. You have to allow yourself to feel all of your feeling, even the negative ones, because if we don't feel them when they happen, they don't just go away, but instead fester and spread to other parts of our lives. We've got to deal with them some time, and sooner rather than later leads to easier clean-up. A gram of protection is worth a kiloton of cure.

Poems on the Eve of a Milestone

2008-07-05T02:01:00.003-04:00

As they come to me, in no particular order.

Repression. Dangerous shit.
Just capturing moments, which I haven't done enough of in my life. Too much trying to look ahead or not behind, denying my Self in every moment. Refusing to stop whirring because if I did, I would see that I didn't exist. I was nowhere, even as I occupied real time and space. I could not express my true self in gender, so I was not myself. I diverted that self-energy to other pursuits. Academics. Morbid Writing/Drawing. Music. But mostly academics. How big was my toss-up count? As big as my boyhood was small.

What July 2008 marks:
1. 10 years out to myself as queer.
2. 1 year out to myself as a boy (specifically; I'd been ID'ing as trans in an umbrella sort of way for 3 years before that).
3. 21 years alive.

So 21 years alive, 1 year living.

poem of the moment #2

2008-06-23T12:01:00.003-04:00

I should tell you that I love you more.
It's silly, this game of invisible strings.
Of course I love you! It's what I was made for,
how we operate.
How silly, alien, to be afraid of that,
our most obvious connection!
Silly. Shake my head and laugh in
admiration
of my own absurdity.
I love you. Of course.

Thought of the Day

2008-06-05T15:11:00.005-04:00

"Making everyone else wrong is easy; understanding difference as complimentary rather than oppositional seems to be a much more difficult project." -Jamison Green

taken from the article "Part of the Package" in the Journal Men and Masculinities,January 2005.

This is something I could go on about for days, and I have (in my own head). But I hadn't been able to articulate it so cleanly as Green does here. I encourage you to stop and reflect on it in the context of your own lives, and in the context of mine.

Poem of the moment #1

2008-06-04T15:14:00.007-04:00

By the way,
you
owe me six dollars.
Which I only remember
because
I was mad at you
because
I was mad at me
because
I was insecure
and
I was afraid you wouldn't love me.

Which you probably didn't.
But neither did I.
So keep the six.
I'll count it penance for sinning
against myself.

I Am Enormous

2008-05-04T20:50:00.003-04:00

Comparison Chart
	Before T	5 months on the juice
Weight	115 lbs	124 lbs
Chest	30.5"	33.5"
Waist	25"	27"
Navel	26.75"	29.5"
Hips	30"	32.25"
Thigh	21.25"	22.5"
Bicep	10"	11"
Height	5'3"	5'4.5"

Hot damn! Not bad, eh? Can't wait to see what's yet to come.

In the mean time, my pants don't /quite/ fit anymore.

Love (part 1)

2008-03-10T20:31:00.006-04:00

Sometimes in life, it goes too deep. You love someone so much you can't conceive of life without them; a heartbreak too unbearable to imagine.

That's how it was with me and my bike. O! Bikebert, how I betrayed you!

She was a 2000 Gary Fisher Gitche Gumee, a unisex frame, the perfect size for me. Frog green, 8 speeds.

It was love at first bike.

(photo circa August 2004)

We bought her from Mr. K's Bicycle Shop in Rock Falls (before they closed), after the new models had already come in. She was on sale, even! I remember the first time I rode, testing her out in a circle in the parking lot of the store. The seat was too high, but we fit like hand in glove. Or butt in seat (seat in butt, more like. have you ridden a bike?).

I remember the first time I ever went for a ride with friends-- Kim and Andrew. The first time I cut across an intersection (the same day). We went to Sinissippi Park and free-wheeled down the sledding hill, which bore, instead of snow, spring's mottled patchwork of light and shade.

I remember trying to ride home from contest play rehearsal over spring break junior year. The first time I really understood what a blizzard means for traction and why people hate driving in winter. Not that I cared-- slipping and sliding my way up 5th avenue, we were reckless youth in lurrrve.

I remember summers, riding down LeFevre out past Westwood to McCue Rd and then back into town. Downtown to the police station to register her, 2 years into our relationship. I suppose it was a commitment ceremony of sorts-- it was the first time I really took ownership and started taking care of the bike. Getting tune-ups. Cleaning her.

We quick-released the front tire to fit her in the rented mini-van we drove to Ann Arbor when I first went to college. My god, I rode everywhere on that bike 1st semester. Until it got too cold and the lock froze solid with ice inside and I couldn't get the key in (can't find the blog post I wrote at the time).

When Kris helped me move out of MoJo after my freshman year, we haphazardly hung Bikebert on the back of the Jeep with 1 1/2 2-foot bungee cords. They held my lightweight (though steel-framed) beauty just fine.

She came with me to Lester House, my first home away from my parents. It was bike heaven-- folks who rode bikes, knew about maintenance, loved bikes. Her chain guard went mysteriously missing that first semester, and I could not figure out how that would have happened casually, since you'd have to take the whole chain and back wheel off to get it, and then reassemble the whole shebang. I did (and do) have a suspicion as to who did it, but I have plenty of other reasons not to like that guy anyway. But parked on the rack in the back of the house, she was safe.

Or she would have been if I'd kept her locked up. Chained down. Bolted. I left for winter break on December 19, 2005, and never saw her again. Like an idiot, I'd left her sitting in the rack with the U-Lock carefully draped around her handlebars.

And the thief, can I blame them? Hardly. She was too fine to pass up. I know the real reason I lost her is that I took her for granted, forgot to treat her with the respect I owed her for taking me around everywhere, and with nary a complaint (well, her brakes did start making this horrible screaming around October '05... it was pretty embarrassing) .

All kidding aside, that bike was my first taste of real independence. Going for rides alone, I was in charge. The sweet taste of freedom, power, control, and probably a little grass, all rolled into one. It really was quite intoxicating, I tell you what.

And honestly, I've never gotten over the loss. Sure, I've ridden other bikes-- toyed with the idea of buying another, even. But nothing could compare to her. In fact, Gary Fisher has discontinued the line-- there will never be another like her.

Once, in the fall of 2006, I saw a doppelganger parked outside Dennison as I was coming out of class. I inspected as close as I could-- same year, same size, same color. There couldn't be 2 in Ann Arbor, could there? Surely Bikebert had been stripped down and sold for parts by then? I was all set to wait there at the bike lot until the owner came out and ask them where they got it, but then I noticed the handlebar grips-- barely scuffed, and the originals. Mine were worse for the wear, ripped in places. She was really gone.

So, in tribute to the freedom I felt the first time I set out on my own on my trusty steedette, I've decided to embark on a crazy bike trip. This summer, I'm going to bike from L.A. to Portland and back. Anyone want to come with me? I'm thinking maybe July 10 - August 10. How's that timeline sound?

[addendum: alternatively, i could ride to Michigan when I move in.]

Transition Update

2008-02-15T17:26:00.005-05:00

I. Coming Out
At this point, I am out to my immediate and extended family (minus some folks on my dad's side), all my close friends, some of my dad's business associates/friends, my parents' neighbors, and everyone on facebook. I have been utterly flabbergasted to find that almost everyone has been on board. There have been a few rough spots, and certainly we all still need to talk to each other and I need to be forthcoming with resources and information and feelings, but in general, things are pretty smooth.

II. Body stuff
I've been on testosterone (T) for 9 weeks now. Things I have noticed changing:

my voice! it's getting deeper. I'm recording myself every week or so to hear the gradual shifting. I joined a choir so I can learn to use it properly.
my fat! it's redistributing. I'm losing my hips and thighs and gaining a little bit of a tummy. But I'll be retaining less fat overall now, and more muscle. I haven't put on very much visible muscle mass, but since the fat is just falling off, my thighs look amazing.
my upper body strength! It's cheating! Remember in gym class how humiliating it was to hang there off that chin-up bar, straining and wriggling to get half-way up? Or, how you could do 3 or 4 if you lifted weights for a year? Well, now I pop pull-ups like candy. I feel a little guilty. But only a little.
my chin! I think I'm growing a few more hairs. And I think my face hair comes in a little faster. but only a little.
my boobs! they've shrunk! Again, fat dropping and redistributing. The tissue is all still there, don't worry. It didn't get sucked into a lymph duct or anything.
my physical sensations! they are lessened! It's true. Combination of my skin thickening and subcutaneous fat decreasing. I have to pay attention more and be more deliberate in order to feel things. I take time every now and then to reorient myself to my body. I just have to learn to relate to myself in a new way.
same thing with my emooootions. they seem a bit farther away. but thanks to my hyper-self-awareness, i am in touch with myself. what was excessive self-analysis before is now almost entirely necessary so that i keep myself in good balance. let me be clear: i'm NOT saying that dudes are biologically predisposed to being more stoic and less expressive about their feelings. I am saying that physiological factors affect the ways in which thoughts and feelings and other junk interact, and that I am learning to interact with myself in a new way. What worked before isn't the right fit now. Don't worry, I'm sure that a year from now I'll be able to cry at Roseanne again.
my genitals! email me if you want details. thought i'd spare my family on the blog.

III. Social Stuff
People treat me totally different now!!! It's so bizarre. It's like there's a barrier between straight women and me now-- not that they're rude or cold to me, but the camaraderie between lady-folk is no longer something I'm a part of. That's sad for me, but I know that as I get more comfortable in my skin and pass more and grow a beard and all, I'll be more comfortable expressing my femininity again, and I think that will change the dynamic (again). I might dabble in purple eye shadow.

There's a tonne more to say in this category, but I don't know where to start. I've journaled a bunch of stuff, maybe later I'll post some stuff from there.

IV. Legal Stuff
I'm going to file my court order for name & gender change hopefully in the next few weeks. With processing time and a little luck, I should be "legally" a dude by summer. And then I won't be terrified to leave the country!

As usual, feel more than free to ask any questions, push back, disagree, etc. with anything I've said.

What to do when you get just a tad, erm, excited at work

2008-02-15T17:11:00.006-05:00

NOTHING! DON'T DO ANYTHING! Wait for it to go away. Try thinking of baseball. Baseball is boring. Don't think of softball, hot lezzies play softball. Baseball. Or maybe that tree over there. Nono, not like that. It's just a tree. F*.

It was especially difficult today because there was nobody up in the garden to distract me.

Oh right, recap: I work at a hands-on, science & art & cultural small children's museum! It's on 3.5 acres, of which 3/4 is outdoors. I just play with little kids all day and rotate around the stations. It's amazing. Um, except when my T kicks in at odd moments and I go on red alert and have to rout all my willpower to stay focused. I suppose it's just a challenge of the job.

I'm pretty sure other people at work have this problem, too. Being around kids all day builds a strong need to assert one's adultness as soon as you're done. The other day a bunch of us were walking out to the parking lot after closing, and I was only half-surprised that our conversation revolved heavily around innuendos and dirty jokes. I think I'll be fine at partitioning myself off.

Why I hate the University of Michigan's School of Information

2008-02-15T17:06:00.004-05:00

Their website is easily accessible, logically organized, and has tons and tons of useful information.
The application process is relatively painless and not very confusing.
They gave me an admissions decision 12 days after I submitted my online app. 12 days. of which only 8 were business days.
Now they keep sending me really helpful emails from actual people. And letting me know about scholarships I'm eligible for. And having current students offer to answer any questions I have. And inviting me to their Facebook group. And generally having their shit together.

F*** those people! Stupid ideal program. I don't wanna leave my family again! For a while. Blargle. Those bastards might convince me yet.

tempted by the fruit of another...

Review: American History X

2007-12-14T03:02:00.000-05:00

[fair warning: i saw half of this movie a few years ago, and a third of it tonight. so i still haven't seen every last punch.]

Wait a minute. This movie isn't actually that good.

Let's run a quick test. Check all that apply.
1. Extreme, copious, graphic violence-- purpose is
a) show the viewer the "gritty reality" of, um, violence
b) show the viewer the "gritty reality" of racism
c) oh DUDE! he totally NAILED that guy! rewind it!

Okay I'm not saying it's allllll (c), but why emphasize Edward Norton's physique so much? Says the NYT review:

"It's the kind of film that milks this violence furiously and also tries to heat up this episode by watching Derek in a sexual tryst just before the violence occurs." [link]

2. Race relations in the film are presented as:
a) complex and changing
b) boy, i guess white people really /do/ have a hard time, why can't black people understand that?
c) why do they do that to their hair?

It's another movie for white people to see and feel better about themselves because thank god i'm not a racist. Basically, my problem is that it humanizes /without also contextualizing/ racial violence. Propaganda given by the characters isn't challenged, only their anger and violence are. There's a troubling scene towards the beginning where the Edward Norton character goes on a rather statistical rant about immigration, which is apparently enough to pump up his gang to go raid an immigrant-owned grocery. We see the semi-brutality of their actions (property damage and beatings; they hold down a lady employee of the store and pour candy and milk on her face, instead of the /much more likely/ sexual violence, not that I want a film that glorifies blood as much as this one to take on rape), yes, but the film explains their actions through dissatisfaction and insecurity without debunking the ostensible impetus. So the message is "illegal immigration really is terrible and causes all of these problems, but killing immigrants is not an appropriate outlet for the anger this causes white people, especially working class white people. maybe we should vote arnold schwarzenegger for governor".*

Oh here, Roger Ebert said the same thing:
The movie's right-wing ideas are clearly articulated by Derek in forceful rhetoric, but are never answered except in weak liberal mumbles (by a Jewish teacher played by Elliott Gould, among others). And then the black laundry worker's big speech is not about ideas and feelings, but about sex and how much he misses it. [link]

Couple that with the presented image that racial discord occurs on a level playing field in the U.S. (oh and please keep class isolated, we don't want to complicate our image here...ugh), and the film is not nearly the anti-racist hero people keep telling me about.

3. Gender, as presented in the movie, is
a) oh dear lord. this could take hours.

4. The writing
a) needed work
b) was totally believable
c) um. oh.

I have a hard time believing a skinhead gang gets moved to action sober and by numbers on state spending on social services for undocumented immigrants, as in the scene mentioned above. Also who's high school English teacher talks like that?

Bottom line: C+/B-. You don't need a B.A. in Sociology** to deconstruct the content and see past its top layer, but it would help if people didn't keep getting kicked in the gut all the time so you could actually pay attention.

*I hasten to remind you that Arnold was working in the U.S. on the wrong visa back in the 1970s and was, hence, a you-know-what. Hypocrite.
** Actually, I'm learning that nothing really requires a B.A. in Sociology. Not even a Master's in Sociology.

oops

2007-12-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

I was going to be so productive today.

...until I accidentally waged a full-on, no holds barred (wtf does that mean?*), several-hour-long research attack on Wicked, the musical. OMG I learned so much.

I had been holding myself back quite admirably until this point. I started listening to the soundtrack (on a loop) last week, and having heard rave reviews from the Internet, I've been wanting to see the show. I read the book last year-- it's surprisingly narsty, but in retrospect it spins a good yarn and I would probably read it again. Anyway, I've been exercising amazing self-control and resisting reading the plot summary of the musical version, which is substantially different from the novel. In the course of my doodling research, however, I came across the ticket prices for the show and became a bit fussed when I remembered how theater is a preserve of the wealthy and whoa is it ever inaccessible. Letting my defiance get the better of my desire to let the show surprise me, I read the Wikipedia article. And it snowballed from there.

I won't bore you with the utterly fascinating everything-I-learned, but here's the climax of the expedition:

Megan Hilty, who*** I previously (re)reported has been tapped to play Doralee in the upcoming Dolly-written Broadway take on 9 to 5, is currently playing G(a)linda in the L.A. Wicked production. This means I'll get a preview of her skillz and will be better able to illegitimately prejudge her capability to play Doralee.

*oh it comes from wrestling. i get it now.
**I do like parallel literature (a term I learned today in my researching).
***I don't care if it's "whom". Language evolves. And it doesn't really make the sentence any clearer, it's just prissy.

P.S. Since it seems like all I post is fluff anymore, I've been thinking of redefining the objectives of the blog. Instead of documenting my life, perhaps it should document my froofy thoughts on entertainment. You know, like everyone else on the internet. What do you think?

P.P.S. Um, or maybe I could start doing something with my life so that there's so much to talk about that I can post interesting things here instead of writing them all in my journal. By the dozen.

Limbo

2007-12-04T02:19:00.000-05:00

This'll be a quick one. Here's a list of the various things I'm waiting for:

license plates
chequebook from the bank
recommendations for grad school
myself to finish off my grad school applications
official GRE scores
hear back from 4 jobs

interview tomorrow
heard back from another one today-- it was a no

find out where Andrew's going to go to school
visit Michigan
exciting journal to get back to me with a decision about my paper

Maybe I'll post tomorrow with the things that were on that list but have been resolved in the last week.

Job Search

2007-10-30T14:15:00.000-04:00

This has been my process so far:

Apply for job that I feel uneasy about.

Don't get job.
Continue to work with organization to arrange ad hoc position.
Accept job.
Work 1.2 days.
Quit job.

F* around.
Apply for job at amazing children's museum.

Get interview. Smashing success!
Never hear back from amazing children's museum, even after 1-week follow up phone call.

Apply for job at regional university library.

Wait.

Craigslist some more.
Find AMAZING-looking, niche-fitting position at LGBT library/archives

Write bad cover letter.
Revise.
Send revised cover letter and resume to AMAZING-looking, niche fitting position at LGBT library/arhives.
from the wrong email address. from the silly email address. not the respectable-sounding email address.

damn it!
every job resource website in teh world says not to use a silly email address.
blargle.
well, at least it wasn't "jackass@neverhireme.com".

On the up side, I bought a cheapy-cheap skateboard the other day and have been practicing on it up and down the sidewalk. It's Spider-Man themed.

Breaking News!

2007-10-30T02:08:00.000-04:00

9 to 5 is coming to Broadway with all-new songs written by Dolly Parton herself, and a libretto by Patricia Resnick (who?).

HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS FOR THE 2 YEARS SINCE SHE ANNOUNCED IT ON LARRY KING IN 2005???

My thoughts on the matter are:

OH MY GOD, can I preorder tickets????
I absolutely loveAllison Janney for Violet. She is the best choice to step into Lily Tomlin's shiny white pumps. Also, I haven't seen the new movie adaptation of Hairspray, but I'm going to now because I was just reminded that she (Allison Janney) is in it. I <3 her.
Has anyone seen Megan Hilty in Wicked? She's probably got the lungs, sure. But does she have the moxie to play Doralee? Has she got what it takes?
I was all ready for bed but then I read this and now I'm wired.

And, of course, a clip for anyone who isn't quite sure what I'm talking about:

p.s. no, i still don't have a job. but i'm looking.

Just in Time for the Holiday Shopping Season: Summer!

2007-10-29T02:06:00.000-04:00

Here's a home movie style video of my summer. It's of course amateur, and pretty nostalgic ("emo" even, if ppl you'll allow me to redefine the term as "anything that has perceptible emotion"). You know what? I have mixed feelings about this clip jobby. It could be a lot better. But it's alright. Aaaand I don't feel like editing it more.

I actually finished it over a week ago, but I hadn't posted it on youtube because I was trying to finagle the flv conversion using the Dreamhost flash converter so that I could just host it on my own webpage. But the compression was bad (made the sound out of sync with the visual), so I abandoned that effort. I may try to rip the FLV file from youtube and upload it to my website some time. As it is, a larger version of the video is also here (nb: it takes several minutes to load due to the large file size).

A separate video of my Illinois trip is forthcoming.

Grad School Update

2007-10-25T23:36:00.000-04:00

um, hi! i'm still here. here's the skinny.

Phase two: engage. Yesterday, I went to an info session at UCLA.

the lady was very nice and well informed

i got a bunch of questions answered and feel more comfortable

i learned more about the admissions process than the program itself, though
it's a good solid program. great, even.

but not phenomenal, and not radical. and given that i know such a program exists, i'm not satisfied to resign myself to a program that is less than amazing.

esp. because if the point of my doing this degree is to get trained to ease the flow of information and make is useful to people, it makes the most sense to do a program that comes from that perspective.

i.e., Michigan.

I'm still going to apply.

but i'm not sure i'd go.
i'd rather wait a year if i don't get into Michigan and re-apply for the program I luuuurve.

still, I need to make sure I'm getting equal amounts of information from each school. So I'm looking forward to visiting campus and getting the goods in AA.

Also am still looking into Illinois as a possibility.

it's fantastically reputable.
and i like its orientation more than UCLA

but it is still not quite coming from the service & social betterment focus that Michigan does

the "Michigan Difference" really is more than a fundraising campaign, you guys
(right click [ctrl+click on a mac] and choose play)

and i resent that these ads, especially the health system ones, almost succeed in their attempts to make me cry
also i hope the university does not sue me for posting their video here

it's been taken off YouTube

I registered for the GRE.

Friday, November 16, 2007.

that way i can relax after it's over and enjoy the Michgan-OSU game.
3 weeks should be plenty of time to ramp up.

i took a practice exam the other day and did fine

my verbal could use some practice

nobody uses those words.

standardized testing is pants, but i'm not going to complain too much because it's not that big a deal

(for me)

because i'm trained to do well on this junk

That's all for now.

Football.

2007-10-14T18:57:00.000-04:00

I love me some college football, I tell you what. It's all so exciting and unpredictable, and there's so much good energy in it. Plus there's a bunch of dudes running around and hitting each other! What's not to like?

I've been particularly enjoying this season, which has seen quite the shuffling among the top-25 ranked teams. USC, LSU, Berkeley, Florida, Michigan, Texas, and Oklahoma have all lost games, and all while ranked in the top 10. It's so much fun when there's actual competition!

But this week the first BCS rankings came out. Now all the energy and excitement of the season will turn into whining and boasting about the system, and the focus of attention will all shift to the BCS title game. This makes me sad, because there's a whole lotta football left to enjoy, if only people could be a little bit more present in the moment.

I think it would be AWESOME if there were no rankings at all until after the regular season ended, and then go to a playoff. Then we could all sit back and enjoy the ride, and it wouldn't matter that OSU hasn't played anyone tough at all this year, because there would be no inflated ranking to be huffy about anyway. ALSO I think everyone should play the whole conference every year--even if that means shifting the conference around.

So here's my plan:

Only 2 non-conference game instead of the usual 4
play everyone in your conference
redistribute conferences so there's good competition in each

hmmmmmmm what about a rotating conference? everyone would hate that except me.

rank top 16 after conference play ends

THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME NIGHT. Like NFL draft day, only better and more meaningful.
don't say who was close to being in it in order to reduce hurt feelings
rankings based on schedule strength, win margin, number of wins

then an off week
then 1st and 2nd round of playoffs

all at neutral sites

then in January semi-finals and final games

This is just a draft. I would also like to see a way to mix up the non-conference games. I want to see more Big 10-Pac 10 matches! Also Pac 10-SEC. Also Big 10-SEC-- remember last year's championship game? OSU got WHOMPED (woohoo)! Totally different styles, and who could have guessed it? Big 10-Big 12 would also be fun.

Oooohoooohoooh! I got an even better idea!! Get this: NO RANKINGS. No rankings. Regular season is ALL conference play. THEN there's the ALL non-conference section: the 4 conferences with the highest win totals* have to play each other, TENNIS-STYLE. For example, let's say that the Big 10, Pac 10, SEC, and ACC (it could happen) are the strongest conferences that year. Then everyone in those conferences gets 3 more games:
#1 Big 10 vs #1 Pac 10
#1 Pac 10 vs. #1 SEC
#1 Big 10 vs. #1 SEC
#2 Big 10 vs. #2 Pac 10

and so on. You'd never have to struggle to figure out who would be #1 in each conference, because everybody plays everybody, so win-loss ties (e.g. 2 teams are 10-1) are resolved by the head-to-head result.

And then there's NO official national champion! Nobody's #1 overall (because I really doubt that any team could dominate that totally rad all-non-conference post-season, and if they did, then we could all talk about how awesome they are & it'd be almost indisputable). And the #2's and #3's and all would still get to play good teams they don't usually get to!

Yeah, this second idea is way better-- it puts the focus on the game and takes it off a stupid title that just makes everybody except the one team who wins it feel bad. Of course, the rest of the country, with their Protestant ethic and capitalism, likes a winner. So it's extremely unlikely that my idea would ever be taken seriously. But I can dream (and write letters).

I guess this is why people play video games.

Oh, also cut the football budgets in half (to start). And take out all the corporate contracts.

* or some other way to determine the strongest conferences.

(Un)Employed

2007-10-02T14:34:00.000-04:00

10/1/07, 9:00 AM: Started my new job at Equality California.
[ask me for details if you're interested]
10/1/07, 8:00 PM: finished first day of work.

10/2/07, 10:00 - 11:30 AM: conference call.
10/2/07, 11:35 AM: current website: "How to Quit Your Job".

I really don't think this job is worth it.

Plus I haven't signed any paperwork yet, so logistically things should be pretty simple...

P.S. This internet quiz just told me I should quit. And I always listen to what the internet tells me.

Boring Update 22 September

2007-09-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

it rained here!

like in real places

California is its own world. not even kidding.

Sarah R. told me that they call clouds and fog "marine cover" here.

Hah!

i'm looking at library/information science master's programs for next year

my current rankings:

there are only around 50 ALA-accredited programs in the U.S. and Canada, which makes the decision process easier
UCLA and Rutgers are WAY behind the top 2 in my ranking.
I think I will post a more thorough entry about my thoughts about the whole situation

but not tonight

full-screen view

pretty much the only thing that makes the Dreamgirls DVD worse

see review here

the DVD is just so unforgiving. it exposes all the rough edges and weak stage-to-screen adaptation.
PK is right, though. it would be alright with a kickass sound system.
and lorrrrde, do i still love this movie

plus i can copy the dance steps to help choreograph my smoky cabaret act

started moving into the house today!

Christal's friend Isaac (different Isaac!!) did a purification and, um, other thing ceremony,

which was rad.

also we broke a coconut on the threshold

and then ate it.

and we bought appliances

omg, we'd done so much research in advance. it was great.
also i am a fan of Sears' customer service.

i think that moving into the house and getting it set up will make the city feel more home-y and help me settle in more

being in the rents' house maintains a feeling of transition

lalala

I was born to be a drag queen in a smoky cabaret

2007-09-20T14:58:00.000-04:00

This I've known for a long time. But it hit me again just now as I was watching Barbra clips on YouTube and practicing saucy, but feminine hand and arm dance movements in the mirror.

And then I remembered the 3rd and 4th grade journal entries I used to write: Broadway medleys. I'm not kidding. I used to piece together my favorite bits and write the libretto in my wide-ruled, sprial-bound notebooks. In retrospect, my teachers probably weren't familiar with more than a couple of the shows I referenced. I should find those old notebooks and put an act together. Chances are it's the best stuff I've ever written.

And it speaks to my thorough enjoyment of clipping things together, which I've rediscovered over the last year with my youtube ventures.

Where are the days going?

2007-09-17T01:29:00.000-04:00

Wow, I don't blog very much anymore, do I? I'll compensate with pictures.

This is the duck that lives at Isaac's co-op. While I was over there a couple of weeks ago, it charged at a lady who lives at the house. Rather menacingly. Wings flared, feet fluttering. Isaac reckons he's gotten a taste for blood. Also, you can see the HOLLYWOOD sign from their backyard.

This is SK and her bf Rafael at dinner that night. Izik is to my left, but you can't see him. This was also the day SK had her big job interview (she got the job! yay! now i can borrow money from her instead of from my parents)

I met up with Simon at the house where his friend was dogsitting. This picture, however, is from a gas station. You can see the camera cozy Andrea knitted in my right hand behind Simon's shoulder.

This is my new house!!!! We are signing the lease on Tuesday!

This is a bad picture of Loreen (new housemate) in our beautiful new kitchen! There is even more counter space that you can't see in this picture.

I might have a job doing some organizing around marriage (hrmm), but I'm waiting to see if the "creative solution" works out.

Sorry these posts have been sparse and boring. There really is a lot going on with me, and a lot of it has been in my head. You'd think that in this day and age, "in my head" would translate to "on my blog" more easily. But apparently that's not the case right now.

xox

Connected

2007-09-10T12:20:00.000-04:00

On Saturday and Sunday I went to the Tongue to Tongue Conference, an all- queer women & trans ppl of color happening. It was amazing! Just being in that space was so affirming. I have some other thoughts about it that I'll blog later.

But as I was walking up to the registration table Saturday morning, Moof Mayeda recognized me and introduced herself, before I had even said anything. I knew of Moof from when I interned at the Task Force, but I had no idea she might have heard of me.

Then later, my now-new-friend Aakash told me he already knew I was coming, too. Out of 12 million people, I have already met the 2 who already knew about me.

Strange coincidence? No! Apparently Sarah Reece, who I worked with at the Task Force, has been talking me up/around. I feel so networked in. Hee. And now I have new friends because of her! Yay!

Then, last night M&P&S and I went to Bombay Cafe for dinner. Across the restaurant, I saw a back of a head that looked remarkably familiar. Was it--? Hm, the right body type, the same hands, and oh yes, that forearm tattoo! Indeed, it was Simon! I knew he was in town and we're brunching on Tuesday, but out of all the restaurants in all the neighborhoods in the city, we happened to be in the same one.

Life is funny.

Review: Stranger Than Fiction

2007-09-07T01:57:00.000-04:00

Uh. May. Zing.

This film had everything I could ever want in a movie*. Honestly! Let's run down the dreamlist, shall we?

Interlocking plots ...check.
Whimsy ...check.
On Point acting ...check.
Ensemble-esque cast ...check.
Indie rock soundtrack ...check.
MAD HOT EDITING ...check.
Writing like you wouldn't believe ...check.
People of color ...check.
Fantastic angles and lighting ...check.
oh right, and Emma Thompson.

Just fantastic! I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out if the particular mood I was in could possibly have influenced how much I like this movie, and I'm not coming up with anything. I can't believe they make movies this good! Really. I cannot remember liking a movie this much.

Enough raving, here's the meat:

Stranger Than Fiction is written cleanly, clearly, and with more feeling than your prom night (okay, given my particular prom experience, this is not saying much). Even more, it lacks a certain level of precision that would make the movie otherwise a little too good, too manufactured. The writing is sharp, but not so tight as to squeeze out the creativity. True, parts of it were predictable, but I found myself enjoying the movie happening too much to see out its future. Kind of ironic, given the film's somewhat heavy-handed fatalist motif.

The acting is soft and understated for the most part, allowing the sensitivity of the screenplay to come through. But not to the point of annoyance-- there are plenty of short-gags and Of the five main characters, four were written superbly, but the Dustin Hoffman ("Jules Hilbert") character seemed a bit off the whole way through. The part alternates strait-laced with oddball, with the latter hinting a little too obviously at the eccentricity of his I Heart Huckabees character. The other four, played by Will Ferrell (in the leading role), Maggie Gyllenhall, Queen Latifah, and Emma Thompson, are all on point the whole way through-- believable, (em)pathetic, and I'm pretty sure I have a crush on the Gyllenhall character.

Add to that quick, but soft writing and brilliant, but subtle, ornamenting, and that's one hell of a couple of hours.

Bottom Line: A/A+. And it'd be an excellent date movie.

P.S. Also, Linda Hunt is apparently still alive and is in fact much younger than I thought she was.

P.P.S. I think you will enjoy this movie if you like Douglas Adams.

Boring Update 5 September

2007-09-05T14:20:00.000-04:00

holy crap.

got here just under a week ago.
family is crazy.

whoa.

given up on getting a job at a bookstore

not practical
not reliable

looking for organizing jobs

applying for let california ring position

short-term
well qualified

been to beach 2x

skin is brown & pretty
perma-sock line is getting, eh, maybe a little better

need to get around to organizing webspace at new website

so i can host & post pictures and video here
and develop the site more

so i can use it as a portfolio to market myself as a half-ass web designer for ppls who can't afford to hire a professional but still want a website

exploring the city this week

driving isn't so bad

but i don't go on the highways yet

need to make friends

that i'm not related to
city-exploring is conducive to friend-making

been journaling a lot.

hence the lack of reflection in this post. i already reflected it, yo.

still have the same phone number

you can callll me if you want to

i will call you back if i miss it i promise

or there is email still

also they show the old American Gladiators at 10pm on ESPN Classic.

this is one reason TV is not all bad.
they have teh good sportsmanships.
the wikipedia article says NBC is currently casting for a new show

that is sad because i guarantee you the emphasis will not be on sportsmanship

but rather on trash-talking and brute strength

as was the case with some revival (2000ish?) version i caught once a couple of years ago in syndication, but whose existence i cannot now rediscover on the webbernets, for some reason

xoxoxo!

weee

2007-08-29T03:12:00.000-04:00

We had my going away party tonight-- amazing! It was exactly what I wanted: people I love and like just hanging out and having a good ol' time, with music and a little dancing, some food, and lots of laughs. I got plenty of pictures and video.

In 10 1/2 hours, I'll be on a plane on my way to Los Angeles! It's all really happening. Holy cow.

Pictures from IL here.

Long day tomorrow! I should get to bed.

Sterling!

2007-08-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'm writing from Jyotsna Aunty's living room. I think tomorrow I'll have time to post pictures and all. So far we've seen Danny & Jenny & the kiddies, Jyotsna Aunty and Hasmukh Uncle, Mrs. Say (and Mark and Ann and Tom), and Chelsey B. Now we are off for breakfast with Mr. Paris, Mr. Heckert, and the other (semi-)retired teachers. Today is PACKED. We'll see if we can get to everything. Tonight we'll be in Champaign.

It's funny being back. I still know where everything is, but it's like remembering from a dream or something.

xo!

Illinois bound!

2007-08-22T23:38:00.001-04:00

Andrew and I leave tomorrow morning for Illinois. I've gotten a lot done ahead of time, but unfortunately I did not finish packing up the room. Oops. But all my books are shipped (note to L.A. family: be careful! the boxes are heavy!), and my suitcase and duffel are packed.

I will try to blog along the way, but that might not happen. Not to worry, though. I'll have my camera and I'll be journaling, so you can be sure to expect a full report when I get back.

I've got my cell and my traveling papers! Let's go!

Aftermath

2007-08-15T14:09:00.001-04:00

note: that HRC sticker has been there for years, since before I moved into the house. I didn't put it there.

So now that I'm done, I have to remember which books I got from where. Just looking at the ones on my desk, I see 5 that are Andrew's, 4 are from the school library, and 4 are from the LGBTA library. I think the first order of business is returning library books.

I've got a week to pack and ship all my stuff--no problem. Terribly expensive, yes, but not a big logistical hassle. I have so many books...

I think tonight I'll have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, and maybe do some sparklers outside (I still have a bunch).

I'm done with school! It won't be final until SAB slaps a grade on Wolverine Access, but that's only a few days away. Crazy.

Done

2007-08-15T00:06:00.000-04:00

So tired.

But I sent my thesis off! As I put it to SAB in the email,"It is not perfect (far from it), but I have reconciled the fact that I will not be able to address every concern raised by everyone who gave me (amazing!!) feedback, and where would the fun be if no one got mad at me at a presentation, right?"

um, too tired to make sense anymore. i think i'm asleep now, actually. my eyes are definitely clsoed.k;a d hit post nowkbye.

Feeeeelings (wo wo wo)

2007-08-14T09:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm still happy, but really stressed/freaked out about moving. I don't know anyone in L.A.! My husband will be here in Michigan! I don't have health insurance as of this Friday! I feel a bit windtossed!

But at least I found my camera. The immediate stress of its being misplaced was heightening the suck of everything else. But it's found now, so the other things seem, if not more manageable, at least farther away.

Also, guess what! It's not so much that I'm clingy, but that I'm really bad at setting emotional boundaries. So that's why it seems like I'm all up in your grill sometimes (you have boundaries, I don't, and so I don't think to check for one before doing whatever it is I'm doing). I apologize sincerely to anyone who feels that I've invaded your personal emotional space. Now that it's come up as an issue a couple of times, I've been able to see this pattern in my behavior, and hopefully I can avert these conflicts in the future.

Unrelated exciting announcement to come (hopefully) later today.

Voices

2007-08-10T22:59:00.001-04:00

I thought I had lost this forever! But it turns out I had a copy in my AFS space.

This is the last time I heard from Mr. Beaty, in May 2005 (a year before he died).

(click to play)

I hope it makes you happy to remember him, and not sad that he's gone.

: )

2007-08-09T23:40:00.000-04:00

Hi, how are you? Things with me are great. I am happier than I have been in years, and I'm not exaggerating. I am less than a week away from finishing school, I will be living closer to most of my family than I have in 5 years, I have a better idea of what I want to do when I move to L.A., my thesis is being well received by people I've asked to critique it, I made up with A, I'm seeing Danny + Jenny + the kiddies in 2 weeks (!!), I feel like my thoughts and feelings are starting to be integrated, and, oh yeah, I'm dating someone (special)!

Of course, I am still feeling a bit sad for all the things and people I will leave in Michigan (and the rest of the world), but hey, I'm not gone yet. And there's no point in living these last few weeks with a cloud of dread over my head. I'm sure at different points I won't be quite this upbeat, and at those points it will be alright to feel sad. Right now it's alright to feel happy. Things are good. Being present in the moment is awesome.

Movies!

2007-08-08T17:08:00.000-04:00

I keep meaning to review the movies I've seen this summer, but I never quite get around to it. Here are some I've seen recently:

The Simpsons Movie: B+

Much better than I was expecting, but not quite as sharp or smart as the show.

Once: C

I liked the story it told, but it could have been done much better. Plus the songs weren't that great...

On A Clear Day You Can See Forever: A

Barbra's acting, as with all of her early stuff, is completely on point. Yves Montand was good too, but I think his accent carried him. Y'know, I wasn't a huge fan of the songs in this one, either, but they're pretty typical of that 60's musical style (Burton Lane did the music). Some of the songs were quite nice, but were pretty contrived and didn't advance the plot at all. But I liked the movie overall.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: A

Definitely the best HP movie so far. Though the Harry/Ron/Hermione acting dynamics were painfully awkward much of the time, the film really made up for it in its quick clop and good editing. I was especially fond of the way it cut down the book, and distilled out the important parts without making it seem like, er, a bullet-pointed list.

Ma Vie En Rose: A

Fantastic! I had only seen a couple of scenes before. Of course it's not perfect as trans representation goes, but I really thought it did a wonderful job of telling one story, instead of trying to run the gamut. I watched it in French with English subtitles, though, and I do have a suspicion the acting (esp. between the kids) wouldn't seem as great if I understood French. But I don't speak French, and so the film carried itself quite well. Excellent execution.

Haircut

2007-08-08T16:46:00.000-04:00

I was going to post a retrospective of my hair throughout college, but it's too hot to sit in one place for too long. It's not the heat, really; it's the humidity. Yesterday it was a wonderful 80 degrees, but with (I'm not kidding!!!!) 98% humidity.

Oh anyway, so I got my hairs cut:

n.b.: hair is wet, not greased.

I got the sides and back shortened quite a bit, and the top part trimmed a little and thinned out. So I still have curls, but a much lighter weight and a cuter shape. And I decided to get rid of my sideburns again.

Don't worry sk, it will be longer when I come to L.A. in 3 weeks !

It wasn't until I looked at these pictures yesterday that I realized that you can totally tell that I've lost weight! I'm now just under 110, which is a little crazy. That's about a 10-lb. drop from this time last year. BUT I am healthy and eat plenty and exercise plenty, so I'm not worried at all.

draft!

2007-08-07T02:16:00.001-04:00

I finished my first full draft about an hour ago and sent it off. I'm in an "everything i just wrote is crap" phase, even though i know that really, only 4 pages are solid garbage, and the rest is really pretty good. and even those 4 pages might have something salvageable in them.

so tomorrow i will take the day off completely and have a good time. i pushed a little harder than i needed to to get the draft done tonight so that tuesday would be free and clear. maybe i'll watch kung fu hustle, which i checked out from the library today, along with on a clear day you can see forever.

wednesday i'll work on the discussion guide for jackie, and maybe thursday i'll start my appendices. maybe friday.

well, i'm apparently too tired to use capital letters, so i should go to sleep.

xox

another reason i love my parents

2007-08-01T09:20:00.000-04:00

They will do drag at your wedding if you can't find any hijre.

Progress

2007-07-31T16:22:00.000-04:00

Would you like an insider look into the fascinating adventures of Writing My Thesis? Then keep reading, friend, for what a typical work week* looks like:

Day 1:
accomplish nothing
feel bad about it
Day 2:
accomplish nothing
feel bad about it
but really plan to get working the next day
Day 3:
check email a lot
finally get to work at 5pm
feel good, but inadequate for slacking off on days 1 and 2
Day 4:
work all day
feel like nothing makes sense
check email a lot
send sections to advisor
Day 5:
accomplish nothing
Day 6:
meet with advisor
who tells me my stuff looks good and that I should give myself a break
feel smart
give self break
Day 7:
wonder where the last week went
accomplish nothing

It's really weird that July is over! I don't know where it went. But I am now about to start writing the final section, and the rest of it has 2 rounds of revisions done.

This summer has been completely nuts on so many levels, but I am now just 2 1/2 weeks away from being DONE with undergrad and taking a vacation to Illinois with my husband and packing all my stuff and seeing my parents and my sisters and going to the beach. Crazy, no?

*see also this strip from PhDcomics.

At last! Something blogworthy!

2007-07-27T10:45:00.000-04:00

Grim rea-purr: The cat that can predict death

For like a harbinger of bad news, Oscar is able to discern the exact moment at which the angel of death comes to stand at their bedside. It is an unusual skill, certainly. All the more so because Oscar is just a cat.
[...]
Yet his skills of divination are beyond question - and have even been the subject of an article in as august a publication as the New England Journal Of Medicine. To date he has predicted the deaths of 25 patients, and done so with such accuracy that he has completely won the trust of even the initially incredulous medical staff.
"This cat really seems to know when patients are about to die," says Dr David Dosa, a geriatrician at Rhode Island hospital who also attends patients at Steere House.

!!!!!!

earlier signs of optimism fading

2007-07-25T15:53:00.000-04:00

a. sickwise, not feeling as good as this morning.

b. somehow, i STILL have barely gotten any work done.

c. this news story: Rock Falls murder trial scheduled to begin today

Paul Bash, 20, is charged with four counts of first-degree murder in the death of 21-year-old Ryne Thomas

I went to kindergarten with Paul Bash. We used to exchange outrageous lies about our families.

d. in happier news, i just saw the Gazette birth announcement for Riley:

He is welcomed by Jaycee Roberts, 3. Maternal grandfather is Stan Roberts of Rock Falls. Paternal grandparents are Dr. Arun Kalra and Juhi Kalra, both of Abernathy, Calif.

(just ignore the typos)

p.s. happy Lance's birthday. I think he would have been 60 or 61 this year.

Things are getting better

2007-07-25T10:38:00.001-04:00

a. This morning I woke up because my throat hurt. BUT unlike the last two days, it didn't feel like there was an alien lump of scaly flesh moving up and down every time I swallowed. This is great news! Yesterday I could barely talk at times, which made me sound unnecessarily emo in a phone conversation where that was particularly inconvenient.

I had real people food for breakfast (toast and a peach, accompanied by tea), and last night I had real people food for dinner! Plus there's enough of the soup I made yesterday to last me at least two more meals.

b. And here's something crazy-- I've been able to have regular, caffeinated black tea with no problems. I had a good strong cup this morning and one yesterday afternoon, and I don't feel jittery or unfocused or anything. This is fantastic news. I'm not going to push it, but it's nice to taste good tea again.

c. It is raining and raining hard right now. Maybe the grass will turn green again!

d. Writing progress has taken a bit of a hit these last 4-5 days, but I've done line edits now and I think I can work through most of them today.

e. Only two weeks until my muffinpants comes back to Michigan! And two weeks until SK comes back stateside!

Okay. I will write now.

Stuff and Things

2007-07-20T15:07:00.000-04:00

Today as I was getting on my bike I made a connection. Since I love attention and approval more than most other things in the world, this [insert cryptic description here] situation, which involves being ignored, is really the best way somebody could punish me. If I'm being punished, which I'm not sure I am. Also, is it passive aggressive to post this on my blog? Does being vague compensate for externalizing a really personal interaction?

Perhaps this selection from SK's xanga from last year might be of use:

I've been taking myself too seriously lately. Sometimes. In the mornings, or late at night. Fuck introversion. Too many damn realizations all the time. All the fucking time. There comes a point when you're just like, "Oh really self? Oh reallllly? Fuck that."

Announcing the Great Illinois and Last Hurrah Mini-Road Trip of Aught Seven!

2007-07-19T13:16:00.001-04:00

Get your cameras ready!

Andrew and I are going to Illinois next month!

The Bunny Tour kicks off prolly around the 18th of August. Here's where we're going:

*
First stop Chicago! Then Sterling/Dixon/Rock Falls/Morrison! Then on to Moline/QCA! Then to Urbana/Champaign! And since we're going through Peoria to get to Chambana, maybe we'll stop there, too. Oh, and I kind of want to go to Castle Rock, but let's not push it.

Ahem. Road Trip!!! F* yeah!!!!!

(As long as the Jeep can make it, that is.)

*figuring out the ratios I needed to scale down the picture involved a humorous sequence of events that included Euclid's Algorithm and ended with me finding my stamps.

Boring Update 19 July

2007-07-19T13:06:00.000-04:00

thesis

statistics & tests

run!

pretty tables

made!

methods & analysis sections

drafted!

new sources

found!

giant scary discussion section

aaaah! shh!
due in a couple of weeks

amazing!

co-op

noisy right now

(drums)

happy
milk-less

milkman didn't come this week...

but he usually does so don't get mad

friends

alienated

damn it!

other friends

coming back in 2 weeks!

sister!

coming back in 2 weeks!!

Hermons

were in Michigan for orientation
that was fun

lolcats

found by mother...

Harry Potter movie

good
but I'm too lazy to review it

plus you've probably read a thousand of them anyway

Harry Potter book hype

is freaking me out! chilllll ouuuuuuuut, middle class of the entire world!!!!
also I'm trying to avoid news about the book b/c I won't be reading it immediately

that is really hard.

mailing supplies

lost! have you seen them? they're in a non-descript envelope.

Oops

2007-07-14T14:06:00.000-04:00

I accidentally just watched all of Who's Afraid of Virginia Ham? instead of working on my data&methods sections all morning.

Sample:

Dude, I shoulda gotten a BFA instead of whatever the hell I'm doing... oh, and a BS in computer science, too.

Weather

2007-07-09T17:57:00.000-04:00

It's been summer-hot for the past few days, really for the first time this summer. High humidity, temperature in the 90s, that sort of stuff.

So I've been sweating a lot. I must finally be finishing puberty (or something), because over the last year my sweat has started to take on an odor. It's really not that bad and not too intense, but it's new.

And I noticed something--I smell like a Bhatia. I'm not 100% sure what I mean by that, but my sweat definitely smells more like my mom and sisters and aunts than anybody on the other side of the family. And definitely more like them than any other people I've smelled.

It's not that I make a habit of sniffing pits, but one tends to notice people's different aromas, no?

Also, it's only the sweat from my underarms that has a smell. I wonder if that's because I finally grew hair there last year? What do you think?

You think I should spend my time thinking about other, less smelly things? Perhaps you have a point.

I wonder things.

2007-07-08T13:20:00.000-04:00

Who are the women in the Myspace-friend-request spam pictures?

Boring Update 7 July

2007-07-07T11:34:00.000-04:00

moved from the old place to the new place
moved from the new place back to the co-op (surprise!)
working on data for thesis

it's pretty cool

turned 20
saw fireworks at Kensington Metro Park

Birthday Update

2007-07-07T11:31:00.000-04:00

Had picnic:

kicked a ball around. talked to a bunch of birthday-wishers on the phone (thanks for calling! xoxo).
got iced cream:

this is the cone they gave me for free since it was my bday-- note the size in proportion to my head:

did a sparkler. watched a movie. fell asleep.

good birthday.

Riley Daniel Kalra

2007-07-03T20:04:00.000-04:00

was born on 2 July 2007 at 11:00 AM. He weighs 9 pounds, 4 ounces and is 24 inches long. Both he and Jenny (mom) are doing fine. Riley is the first child of Daniel Lawrence Kalra, and is the first baby in his generation on the Kalra side.

Which makes me a bua! HaHA! Sparklers for everyone (seriously-- I bought 6 dozen)!